User:GemersonLakeAndPalmer/Konata
Kontana (Born March 5th) is a user on Soyjak.blog notable for creating the most famous blog on /jrn/ which has the highest view count of all posts.
My Blog! transcription:
March:
March 3rd:
I'll use this thread to tell about my day-to-day life. I figured at least one person might be interested. 3/3/2024: I had some plans today with someone, but I flaked. I feel bad for avoiding them, but I seriously could not go out today, I've had a strange feeling of anxiety the whole day. I've taken my meds pretty much everyday since I've been prescribed them but they don't seem to be helping me. I wonder if I should ask my therapist for a new medication. It's to the point where I've pretty much done nothing but lay in bed and use my computer for the past 2 or 3 days, I even called off work. I don't know why I've been feeling like this lately, but I just wish it would stop. It's happened in the past before. I usually just have to wait until my brain decides I should feel better. I remember when I was just a young teenager, maybe 13 or 14, I used to feel this way for weeks or even months at a time. I guess I should feel grateful that it's gotten better since then, but it doesn't provide me much solace when I'm still experiencing it, even if it's not as severe. The past few days have been particularly bad. I can't stop myself from thinking when I'm laying in bed. It gets me in a depressive cycle which is very hard to escape. I go to therapy on Tuesday, which coincidentally happens to be my Birthday. I was thinking of rescheduling but I figure that I'm not going to have a very big celebration this year. I never really have. Anyway, I'm really dreading having to go to work tomorrow. I was assigned this big project I'm supposed to have done in a few days and I haven't even started. That's all for now. I'll update this daily for those interested.
March 4th:
3/4/2024: It feels weird making this post, as I basically spent the entire day on here anyway. I used the site from my phone at work. I didn't post, just lurked. My headspace hasn't gotten much better. I feel a layer of brain fog all the time to the point where I can't really remember what it's like not to have it. I just wish it wouldn't happen to me anymore. Work went about as expected. I didn't do shit. I just browsed the internet from my phone. I get incredibly anxious any time I even think about the shit I'm supposed to be doing and how far behind I am. I'm inevitably going to get fired but I just can't bring myself to actually be a productive member of society. I'd much rather do nothing all day and stay indoors. I've always been like that. I just don't get along with most people, I guess they think I'm a faggot loser autist or something. That isn't to say that I'm not, but I just wish they would cut me some slack from time to time. Sorry, I don't mean for these blogposts to be so depressing. I'm just going with whatever my mind thinks of to talk about. On an unrelated note, my birthday is tomorrow and I'm absolutely dreading it. I feel like I'm supposed to have friends to celebrate it with but I simply do not. I'm retarded for not rescheduling my therapy this week. Oh well. I just want to sleep. That's all for now.
March 5th:
3/5/2024: It was my birthday today. I still decided to go to therapy to try and see if I could get on a different medication. She did recommend something but my insurance doesn't cover it so there's basically nothing I can do about it. As expected, nobody really cared it was my birthday. I still went to work and did everything I usually do. I bought myself a cake but I'm not sure I'm even gonna eat it because my appetite has been completely nonexistent for the past week. My parents gave me some money as a present so that was nice. Other than that, I'm still feeling exactly how I have been the past week. I don't know when it's gonna stop and I'm starting to think it might be a long term kind of deal. That idea is troubling to me. It just reminds me of shit that's happened in the past and it sets me off on a self-sustaining cycle. With any luck, I should snap out of it. That at least I can keep out hope for. That's all for now.
March 6th:
3/6/2024: Terrible day. I woke up almost half an hour late and I had to rush to get ready. Then, at work, the people would not stop pestering me today. It’s like every one of those morons had some tech issue. They were so stupidly easy to fix that probably anybody on this website could do it. I hate boomers so fucking much bros. They act like they’re entitled to anything, and at the same time they’re so ignorant of everything. I had an eye doctor appointment today and I found out my eyes are only getting worse. I have glasses but I don’t wear them because I look like a fag with them on. I’m really unsure on how much longer I can take at this shitty job. I’ve already been thinking of quitting and going full NEET. It’s enough that I already have so many stresses in my life, like my medicine making me more depressed, my parents’ constant bitching about how I’m not in a relationship with anyone, and so many other things. I really want to just stay inside all day and do fuck all for the next few years. That’s all for now.
March 7th:
3/7/2024: I was exhausted so I went to bed as early as possible. It’s now 1 AM and i’m awake. It was the same routine today. I hated going to work and doing my job. I fucking hate it. I need to seriously quit. I have a pounding headache right now so i can’t hardly think. It’s been maybe 6 hours now i’ve had a headache. chances are it’s the medication that’s causing it. that’s so retarded. i would think you take medicine to get better, not to worry about side effects. that’s all for now.
March 8th:
3/8/2024: Dad's in hospice care. I didn't imagine it would happen so soon or so suddenly. I thought he was getting better. To see him in such a state is heartbreaking to me. He can hardly talk because it simply hurts him. What alarmed me is how little I cried. Everyone around me was crying so, so much, but I cried only in private, and not very heavily. I am sad. I can't seem to figure out why I can't cry. It doesn't matter though. I wonder what must be going through my father's head right now. He has to face his own mortality, and at such an untimely age, too. I've pretty much tried to not think about it whatsoever. If I do I might go mad with grief. I don't want to grieve for him yet. He isn't dead. I'll keep out any hope that he may live, if not for his sake then for my own. When he told me, I couldn't think of anything else to do than to hug him and tell him I love him. There's still so much I wanted to do with him that I may now never get to do. I don't want to repress my feelings but it's all I can think to do. At least I'll have something to talk about at therapy. That's all for now.
March 9th:
3/9/2024: I didn't do much of anything. I couldn't have. I'm still reeling from the news I got yesterday. My father is doing better than he was yesterday, but I know it's still a matter of time before he goes. I want to prepare myself for the fact that he's going to die, yet at the same time I don't want to treat him as if he already has. While I thought I had accepted that fact, today he got a letter from his work. The letter was the usual stuff, well-wishing and condolences. They read almost like eulogies. Inside the letter were some movie tickets. There were enough tickets for each of the members of my family, minus one. I don't think they did this intentionally, but it was enough to make me cry. I didn't cry immediately, it waited until I was alone in my room. I'm happy, as it were, that I was able to cry, if only briefly. My dad has been doing the exact same things as he's usually done. This makes me wonder if he's known he was going to die for a while now. I hope not. I don't want to remember my dad for how he's been the past year and a half, and I'm sure he doesn't want me to remember him that way either. It's just so tragic. That's all for now.
