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{{Pagespoilers|[[Kuz's Identity|KUZ WAS ACTUALLY A 77-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT FROM FLORIDA NAMED "DONALD" AND ALWAYS EXISTED, IT WAS SOME BUSINESSMAN AND HIS FRIENDS PLAYING A LONG CAMPAIGN]]!}}
{{Discord}}
{{Outdated}}


Bee Movie Script
{{caca|kuzzy kuz}}


 
{{Infobox officeholder
 
| name                = Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov
According to all known laws
| native_name        = {{nobold|Юрий Михайлович Кузнецов}}
of aviation,
| image              = File:kuz_cryboy.png
| caption            = Kuz in 2024
| office1            = [[Admin|Administrator of Soyjak.Party]]
| term_start1        = 12 July 2023
| term_end1          = 16 July 2023<br />Co-admin: 16 July 2023 - 18 July 2023
| predecessor1        = [[Doll]]
| successor1          = [[Max]]
| 2blankname1        = Co-Admin
| 2namedata1          = [[Max]]
| term_start2        = 14 July 2022
| term_end2          = 17 May 2023
| predecessor2        = [[Soot]]
| successor2          = [[Doll]]
| manager2            = [[Doll]]
| birth_name          = Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov
| birth_date          = June 30, 1988 (age 35)
| birth_place        = Bologoye, Omsk, Russian SFSR, USSR
| party              = [[Kuzist]]
| spouse              = Masha Kuznetsova
(m. 2006; w. 2009)


 
Unknown
there is no way a bee
should be able to fly.


 
(m. 2011 d. 2014)
Its wings are too small to get
its fat little body off the ground.


 
Natalia Kuznetsova
The bee, of course, flies anyway


 
(m. 2021)
because bees don't care
| children            = 2, one adopted and one illegitimate<ref>https://archive.li/TAwFf#4073528</ref>
what humans think is impossible.
| known_for          = [[Kolyma Network|KolymaNET]] Founder and Owner. Ownership of the 'party and many other sites
| Tripcode            = kuz!netsovkMgo, kuz ## Admin
| IAS?                = Varies. See: [[Kuz#Kuzjak/Yurijak |Yurijak variant]]
| website            = [https://thekuz.win thekuz.win]
}}


 
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


 
Ooh, black and yellow!
Let's shake it up a little.


 
'''Kuz''' is an individual who served as the second [[List of administrators|administrator]] of [[Soyjak.party]]<ref>https://t.me/dailyjak/241 ([https://archive.ph/Qzwcm archived])</ref><ref>https://t.me/KUZNETSOV_kn/64 ([https://archive.is/85PJG archived])</ref> between July 16th, 2022 and May 17th, 2023, and then briefly again from July 12th to July 18th of 2023. He has identified himself as a 35-year-old Russian-Cypriot<ref group="lower-alpha">Kuznetsov is ethnically Russian, but a citizen of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus</ref> man named '''"Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov"'''<ref group="lower-alpha">Russian: '''''Юрий Михайлович Кузнецов'''''
Barry! Breakfast is ready!


 
Transliterated: ''Jurij Mihajlovič Kuznecov''
Ooming!


 
IPA: [ˈjʉrʲɪj mʲɪˈxajɫəvʲɪt͡ɕ kʊzʲnʲɪˈt͡sof]</ref> , a purported media personality<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBHMzvaS-Eo Dolls words</ref> and radio host. "Yuri Kuznetsov" is generally believed [[Kuz's Identity|to not be a real person]] due to many parts of his backstory before 2019 having little to no proven evidence of actually happening, as well as other suspiciouly fake actions Kuz "partook" in. Yuri Kuznetsov is instead believed to be a fake persona. Despite this, the individual behind "Kuz" is still a real person who has been influencing imageboard politics since 2019. Kuz was the "Chairman"<ref>Note: This is an old soviet term used to refer to the clerical administrator, however, since the days of stalin, it often just refers to the head of a political organization</ref> of the [[Kolyma Network]]<ref><nowiki>https://www.kolyma.org/about</nowiki> ([https://archive.ph/jhmbf archived])</ref>, a "Cyprus-based organization" (unofficial larping group) that dissolved in 2023 following kuz's "[[AIDs|HIV/AIDs]] diagnosis".<ref>https://t.me/kuztracker/51</ref> The members of the Kolyma Network hosted several websites and imageboards, and Kuz's penchant for buying websites drew attention to his activities.  
Hang on a second.


 
Kuz is regarded as one of the most significant figures in [[Qa/|/qa/]] and [[Soyjak.party]] history. On July 16th, 2022, Kuz became the administrator of Soyjak.party after the site's founder and first administrator, [[Soot]], agreed to sell it to him for $2,000, concluding the [[Soyvil War 2|Second Soyvil War]]. Kuz ruled the site for almost a year before resigning on May 17th, 2023.<ref>https://t.me/KUZNETSOV_kn/64 ([https://archive.is/85PJG archived])</ref> As admin of the sharty, Kuz "propelled" the site from a regional novelty, to a veritable phenomenon in the imageboard world, and the site experienced peak usage under his administration.<ref>will add the source when logwarehouse comes back up</ref> Throughout 2022, he frequently made radical changes to the site, often receiving mixed or negative reactions from critics and users alike.<ref>He just is okay. This is what everyone remembers him for or something</ref> Following a "medical diagnosis" wherein Kuz "discovered his long-untreated HIV infection had progressed to full blown AIDs", Kuz temporarily stepped down, giving his position to [[Doll]]. An ill-fated return was planned by Kuz's "manager", [[Max|Anton Maximov]], but kuz backed out of this plan, and on July 18th, 2023, it was announced that Kuz was retiring from his career altogether, in a series of final public appearances, question sessions, and ceremonies titled "[[This Is It]]"<ref>https://t.me/kuztracker/50 ([https://archive.li/4vboV archived])</ref><ref>https://t.me/kuztalk/99 ([https://archive.ph/j518h archived])</ref>
Hello?


 
The following is some alleged controversy Kuz had: "Starting in 2020, kuz became a figure of constant controversy and speculation (dubbed Kuz-mania) due to his [[Kuz#Name and Citizenship change|attempts at changing his identity]], [[Kuz#Identity questions|speculation about his appearance]], [[Kuz#Relationship with Soyjak Party|online behavior]], speculated homosexuality, and lifestyle.<ref>[https://www.kolyma.net/this-is-it/max-statement Surrounded by speculation virtually his entire life, it is amazing that there is still so much that the public does not know about him, and may never know.] ([https://archive.li/bJdfV archived])</ref> In August of 2022, anger and confusion began to arise about an [[Kuz#Affair with Sobot|alleged romantic relationship with an underage, male, moderator of the site]] and member of the KolymaNET youth league.<ref>[[Sobot]]</ref> In December, 2022, he was accused of [[Kuz#Abuse Allegations|sexually abusing a 14 year old boy]] in Russia.<ref>https://www.kolyma.net/this-is-it/max-statement ([https://archive.li/bJdfV archived])</ref> The lawsuit was settled with an out of court settlement in in June, 2023.<ref>https://t.me/kuztracker/47 ([https://archive.li/WVHF6 archived])</ref> His addiction to prescription drugs, mood swings, and contradicting statements issued by his estate lead to a near constant state of drama on his sites.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1183553</ref>"
- Barry?
- Adam?


 
=="Personal Life"==
- Oan you believe this is happening?
{{Tip|This is the official kuzist narrative. If you want to add info about Kuz's true identity, go to [[Kuz's Identity]]}}
- I can't. I'll pick you up.


 
Kuz was born in 1988 in Omsk, Russia, to a poor family, on the outskirts of a village, several miles from the Kazakh border.<ref name=":1">[https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-41.0-45.427 https://archive.fo/QWh0b]</ref><ref>http://okato-kod.ru/55024000006.html</ref> Kuz is married,<ref><nowiki>https://kuz.lol</nowiki></ref> He lives in Memphis after allegedly fleeing the Russian Federation for tax evasion.<ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b</ref><ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b</ref>
Looking sharp.


 
Kuz's career on the internet began in 2005, with the release of the extremely popular "9channel", a Russian textboard forum which he claims was the first of its kind in Russia. Since then, kuz has made, renewed, or bought dozens of other websites.  
Use the stairs. Your father
paid good money for those.


 
9channel grew but never became particularly active, although Kuz likes to pretend it was "the biggest anonymous website in Russia", [[though]] this is very [[Debunked|easily disproven]]. The website was widely known to be only a hotbed for the sharing of [[Dancing swede.mp4|illegal material]], pirated movies, and "crime announcements", or posts announcing or displaying small crimes (like vandalism) anonymously. The latter became such a problem that it was specifically written into the Kolyma Networks rules that "crime announcements" were banned, although this did little to curb the problem. The website was shut down in 2017 along with most of Kuz's websites.<ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b</ref><ref>https://kolyma.org/about </ref><ref><nowiki>https://devyach.net/9ch.html</nowiki></ref>
Sorry. I'm excited.


 
Proof of the existence of 9channel is scarce as users of the website were generally rather secretive. There are no public archives, as kuz refuses to release any, and the site also is not on archive.org or archive.is because it was tor-only.<ref>Please replace this citation with one from one of kuz's sites. He has said this multiple times but i cant find it</ref> There is however a "Devyach" (9ch in Russian) twitter account which contains a tor link and was created in 2009.<ref><nowiki>https://twitter.com/devyach</nowiki></ref> This is very likely the real 9channel as it cites its location as Omsk, Russia, and contains a common 9ch slogan in the description.<ref>https://twitter.com/devyach</ref>
Here's the graduate.
[[File:Kuz army photo.png|thumb|Kuz in army uniform.]]
We're very proud of you, son.
In 2008, Kuz contracted [[Faggot|HIV]] from a prostitute in Poland.<ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-131.312-131.424</ref> However, some anonymous truthers suggest he actually contracted it from being brutally raped in the Russian military, which is a common occurrence.<ref>https://www.themoscowtimes.com/2020/02/17/decade-after-military-reform-hazing-plagues-russian-army-a69309 ([https://archive.ph/PNRK3 archived])</ref>


 
In 2023, questions were posed by many about kuz's mental state and whether he was still acting alone. Consistently slurred speech, an addiction to various amphetamines, and general sickliness, likely compounded by a lifelong struggle with [[AIDs|HIV/AIDs]], caused many to doubt the validity of the statements issued by [[Kolyma Network|KolymaNET]] about Kuz's "Excellent health".<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2948024</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2811133#p2811292</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2806510</ref>
A perfect report card, all B's.
==="Marriages"===
Kuz has been married 3 times.<ref>[https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-159.222-159.264 I am aware that this isnt exactly a reputable source, but this isnt disputed by kuz or any kolyma sources.]</ref> His first marriage, to 16 year old<ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-45.274-45.342</ref> Masha Alekseevna, ended in her death at the age of 19 in a farming equipment accident.<ref>See: quote below</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1462617</ref> Kuz has divulged only a small amount of information about this event, what little is known is from unsourced, anonymous authors. The only verified piece of information about her is from a post kuz made to a private noticeboard sometime in 2020.<ref>https://sp.logwarehouse.net/src/443719-1.png</ref>


 
His 2nd marriage, which lasted for an even smaller amount of time, is believed to have been for business reasons. Kuz divorced the woman, sometimes known as "the woman from smolensk", in 2014.<ref>>Have you remarried? is she of age...?
Very proud.


 
Yes, she is kind woman from smolensk. We are married in august now.
Ma! I got a thing going here.


 
— 9channel Post on /en/ (citing bibanon)</ref>
- You got lint on your fuzz.
- Ow! That's me!


 
Kuz's married his third wife on August 20th, 2021<ref>[https://www.temucin.ru/about <nowiki>[..] in 2021, I married, which gave me peace from my restlessness</nowiki>] - kuz on his website ([https://archive.li/wOc6r archived])</ref>. 22 year old "Nedelya Kuznetsov"<ref>Moldovan spelling of "Natalia", a Russian name. The names are used interchangeably in official documents.</ref>. Little is known about her, except that she is also a high ranking KolymaNET employee, who's email was leaked during the [[Soyvil War 2|Second Soyvil War,]] and spammed with lemonjaks.<ref>[[Soyvil War 2]]</ref> This appears to be a marriage of love, as kuz often writes about her on his blog.<ref>[https://www.temucin.ru/writings https://www.temucin.ru/writings/] ([https://archive.li/QCnzi archived])</ref> Kuz has said she has "green eyes", which he apparently finds very attractive.<ref>https://www.temucin.ru/blog/divinity-in-eyes ([https://archive.li/UFioK archived])</ref> She has made no public appearances.
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
- Bye!


 
==== "Affair with Sobot" ====
Barry, I told you,
<sup>Main Article: [[Sobot]]</sup>
stop flying in the house!


 
Sobot (real name unknown) is a <s>16 year old Polish-Argentinian boy</s> 6'4 Black man(?) and member of the [[Kolsyetmol]] (Kolyma Youth Leage), [[best known for]] an ''alleged'' extra-marital affair with kuz. Kuz befriended sometime before purchasing the sharty, and Sobot became a mod after [[The Great Purchase|the great purchase]]. There has been intense speculation about their relationship, with many, including kuz and sobot themselves, saying that it is not romantic or sexual. Regardless, rumors persist, and many believe Sobot is still in a relationship with kuz.<ref>sobots article</ref> Prior to March 4th, 2022, it was widely believed Dobot possessed a very feminine, young, appearance, however, his identity was called into question when some pictures of him turned out to be fakes. The following day, pictures of a tall black man claiming to be sobot were posted, and an "Unknown Source from Memphis Tennessee" (Kuz or someone in his entourage) purported that this was the real Sobot.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2467381#p2467443</ref> This only ignited further jokes about Kuz and Sobot's relationship, with many joking that Kuz really has a racefetish.
- Hey, Adam.
- Hey, Barry.


 
==== "Affair with Cvnka" ====
- Is that fuzz gel?
Read more: [[hhs:Kuz|Kuz - Heyuri Wiki]]
- A little. Special day, graduation.
Cvnka is a Russian-American vtuber<ref>[https://archive.ph/DChkt RU/EN]</ref> who's gimmick is lovecraftian/eldritch horror. Kuz was apparently a fan of her and rumors of supposed interactions between the two are circulated but suppressed quickly on 9channel and other sites.


 
Several posts made their way to the western internet, which were rehashed by kuz's detractors, including "faganon", a heyuri user, who extensively documented their supposed interactions, suggesting they first met in 2015, which kuz claims is impossible.<ref>https://archive.ph/EFHji#selection-273.0-317.28</ref> Regardless of the validity, they have apparently interacted, as several screenshots of supposed conversations between them exist and occasionally make their rounds on websites where kuz's sexual interactions are commonly discussed (such as 9ch, soyjak.party). A megathread was held on 3chan about the topic but no conclusion was reached.
Never thought I'd make it.


 
==="Rumors of death"===
Three days grade school,
three days high school.


 
On September 29th, numerous<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187661</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187644</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187607</ref><ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187599</ref> threads were created purporting a fictitious<ref>Judging by recent events, it can be concluded kuz has not yet died.</ref> rumor that Kuz had died. The rumors were so prolific, that several soyteens became distraught<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187704#p1187782</ref>, believing it to be true, and many fake screenshots appeared.<ref>https://sp.logwarehouse.net/src/156163.png</ref>
Those were awkward.


 
{{Quoting|September 29th, 2022, 5:49PM Kratovka Regional Hospital, Omsk, Russia. The man with just 3 hours to live lies asleep in a hospital bed. Kuznetsov was once a strong man, at 6'0, he possessed a moderate, though not muscular build, and commanded a smooth, baritone voice which spurred compliance and attention. Now, at the age of just 34, the diseases which ravage his body barely allow him to utter childlike whispers, his thick country accent making him almost impossible to understand. The black rings around his eyes and his shallow, sunken face accentuate his gaunt appearance, and the aids-induced tremors prevent him from performing even the simplest of day to day tasks. He spends most of his time sleeping, surrounded by his security team and his 22 year old Wife, Nedelya Kuznetsov.
Three days college. I'm glad I took
a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


 
He eventually succumbs to his ailments. At 8:46 PM, with his wife and his secretary by his side, Yuri Kuznetsov, the legendary Russian who forever changed the face of Soyjakking, dies. He is just 34 years old.|- Anonymous Truther, citing his experiences as kuz's personal doctor.}}
You did come back different.


 
=== "Name and Citizenship change" ===
- Hi, Barry.
On October 1st, kuz announced via telegram that he had attempted to change his legal name to "Temujin" and applied for Turkish citizenship.<ref>https://t.me/kuztalk/11 ([https://archive.li/GaI2a archived])</ref> During the second SOTS livestream, Kuz revealed that the official name change never came to fruition. This sparked discussion and mockery.
- Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


 
===="Cyprus"====
- Hear about Frankie?
On September 1st, 2022, kuz departed for Turkish Cyprus until December, giving the site to 3 anonymous moderators during his absence. Though he returned early due to violent political turbulence on the sharty. kuz later moved to Cyprus as his permanent residence, and applied for Turkish Cypriot citizenship. Kuz runs several Turkish websites, where he is often referred to affectionately as "kuzu" (Turkish: The Lamb).<ref>https://kereste.moe/ ([https://archive.ph/C8uqW archived])</ref>
- Yeah.


 
==="Religious and political opinions" ===
- You going to the funeral?
- No, I'm not going.


 
Kuz's political opinions seem to change to fit whatever is currently best for him at the moment, although he did once condemn conflict in ukraine, writing a lengthy blogpost on why it was bad from a moral standpoint.<blockquote>"The estimated toll of all the deaths caused by the Conflict in Ukraine is 33,000. Both civilians and soldiers. When the media reports on these numbers, they will simply leave it at that, but the actual price of that number is immeasurably greater."  " [... ]This is why I will never support conflict in Ukraine or elsewhere."<ref>https://t.me/kuz_channel/46</ref></blockquote>During his rare live appearances, he has revealed little about his personal political beliefs, preffering to "keep it to himself". Although he says he is not racist, or a nationalist.[[File:Kuz new years post.png|thumb|Kuz requests that Allah blesses the sharty]]
Everybody knows,
sting someone, you die.


 
===="Conversion to Islam"====
Don't waste it on a squirrel.
In December of 2022 and January of 2023, questions were asked about kuz's apparent conversion to Islam. Starting with a telegram post on December 26th that simply read, "is islam the way?"<ref>https://t.me/kuztalk/65 ([https://archive.ph/pvGFN archived])</ref> followed 5 days later on new years eve by a celebratory post, wherein kuz concluded the message with a request for Allah to bless his users, suffixed with a honoric muslim phrase (Subhanahu wa ta'ala).<ref>https://t.me/kuztalk/68 ([https://archive.ph/p5nlp archived])</ref>
Such a hothead.


 
==="Source of wealth"===
I guess he could have
Kuz's net worth is about 108M rubles, or roughly 1.4 Million dollars. He regularly drops large amounts of money on websites he likes in attempts to buy them. Offering "2k for the sharty" at one point. He also bought a website called Vidlii, for an undisclosed number, allgedly about 5,000. In 2021 he bought Gurochan, and has offered thousands for other imageboard websites<ref>Various self-leaked emails over the years. Unknown how many of these offers were serious but at least 2 (Sharty and lainchan) actually began before the admins changed their mind.</ref> His company, KolymaNET, is also the largest internet provider in Omsk, and kuz owns several datacenters in Russia and Turkey.<ref>"[...] We also offer colocation and DDOS protection from our datacenters in Russia, Turkey, and USA." - kolyma.org frontpage</ref>
just gotten out of the way.


 
Some speculate most of his money was gained through an illicit exit scam,<ref>The Rychuvak Scandal (see below)</ref> but the source of his money is unknown. He has said on a few occasions that it was from "smart investments" and "good luck"
I love this incorporating
an amusement park into our day.


 
=== "Health problems and disappearances" ===
That's why we don't need vacations.
Kuz has taken multiple "Extended vacations" and other long breaks since he became Admin of the site. Although once renowned for his highly energetic, provocative, and [[Template:IT'S OVER|rowsing]] behavior, as he approached the end months of 2022, his physical and mental health, and appearances in public all began to decline, with many speculating kuz was on drugs or being forced to work against his will.<ref>After his england trip, kuz had reported he was "feeling unwell". Corroborated reports of slurred speech, slow descision making, and sluggishness followed.</ref> By new years 2023, mere weeks after his final Q&A ("17 December Kuzstream"), kuz had stopped public appearances altogether.  


 
Whether this was an official absence/break or an unplanned hiatus due to his health problems was never revealed to the public. A second interview on the turkish website "Kereste" near new years marked his final official public appearance before kuz became severely ill and was hospitalized.<ref>https://t.me/kolymanss/3</ref> kuz made an impromptu visit to a large thread exposing the crimes of some discords, where he spoke out against the ongoing pedophilia issue on the sharty ''even though he is a gay pedophile, himself'' and its many adjacent communities in March.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2695467#p2696044</ref>
Boy, quite a bit of pomp...
under the circumstances.


 
Sadly, this marked the final time kuz would appear in public. A scheduled live appearance on April 11th failed to occur, and was later cancelled, with a message pinned to the board saying "Kuz's appearance was cancelled".<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2806291#p2806291</ref> No explanation was provided. A few weeks later, sharty moderator (at the time) and long time personal friend of kuz, [[sobot]], announced that he would be being temporary replaced by the manager of the sharty, Doll.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2888311</ref>[[File:MaximovRedactedMessage.png|thumb|A redacted message that Anton Maximov sent to Doll.|274x274px]]
- Well, Adam, today we are men.
- We are!


 
=== "Kuz's HIV transitions into AIDS" ===
- Bee-men.
In Mid-May 2023, Kuz departed for Cuba. The reason for the trip, at the time, was shrouded in mystery, with some theorizing that it had to do something with medical reasons. On May 17, 2023, NSS director Anton Maximov elaborated elaborated on the reason for Kuz's trip to Cuba: Having to see doctors in order to help treat his HIV. This followed other trips within the US and Mexico. He, however, reassured people that kuz is in a stable condition. Maximov also noted that soyjak.party was affecting Kuz's mental health, with Kuz telling doll "This is the second thing that has made me reconsider my career, the amount of time it consumes, the stress it causes [...], and the limited time I have left on this Earth and how I wish to spend it." The 'party's ownership was then transferred to Doll.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/3221285</ref>
- Amen!


 
=== "Speculation about sexuality" ===
Hallelujah!
Kuz's sexuality is often discussed on the site, as his behavior has lead many to believe he may be a homosexual. During a data leak 'teens found IP addresses that were speculated to belong to Kuz that made various homosexual posts and threads on the sharty.<ref>https://kiwifarms.st/threads/soyjak-party-the-sharty.145349/post-16327227</ref><ref>https://kiwifarms.st/threads/soyjak-party-the-sharty.145349/post-16327379</ref>
<gallery>
File:Kuz shota post.png
File:Kuz gay wagner post.PNG
File:Kuz belarus post.png
File:Kuz tranny post.png
File:Kuz sharty bf post.png
</gallery>


 
==Relationship with [[Qa/|/qa/]]==
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
Kuz on /qa/ in 2020 (pre sharty): https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3421515/#3421776


 
/qa/ [[Doxing|dox]]es kuz in 2020. (still pre sharty): https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885/#q3505885 https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885/#q3505949
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


 
https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/address/2190-ellington-way_knoxville-tn-37932
Welcome, New Hive Oity
graduating class of...


 
==Relationship with Soyjak.party==
...9:15.
Kuz is [[best known for]] being the owner of the site and its most famous user, and during his early days, being at the center of controversy on the site.<ref>[[Schizophrenia]]</ref>
=== Contributions===
Kuz was the originator of multiple trends on the Party. Critics allege that these contributions are part of a coordinated effort to mentally manipulate and demoralise the party's userbase in preparation of a possible takeover; however, as of the time of writing, historic analysis on the authenticity of these trends has yet to be carried out.[[File:ancient_kuz_irc_raid.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Kuz lone-raiding #4chan in october of 2020, using "soyspeak".]]


 
====Early soyjak-related activity====
That concludes our ceremonies.
Kuz's first publicly recorded soyduel was in September of 2020.<ref>https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885</ref> Back then, he had a habit of using what he named "soyspeak" as a way of antagonizing 4chan users.


 
===Attempted purchase===
And begins your career
On January 25, Kuz leaked emails between him and [[soot]] wherein soot offered to sell the 'party to kuz.<ref name=":0">https://archive.fo/HSper</ref> However, this thread turned out to be a troll. Soot '''did actually try to sell the site to kuz'''<ref name=":0" />, but after things cleared up in his personal life and he changed his mind, with kuz apparently making this thread just for some [[(You)]]'s after he knew the deal fell through.
at Honex Industries!


 
The deal was for 600$ in bitcoin in return for ownership of soyjak.party and a backup of the site on the day of the transfer, effectively giving kuz complete control over the site.
Will we pick ourjob today?


 
Kuz later made another thread criticizing soot for being rude to him, soot apologized but said that Kuz's response to the failed deal was "immature"<ref>https://archive.fo/BngLW</ref>.  
I heard it's just orientation.


 
Amongst the leaked emails were multiple emails to soot '''which soot answered''' that contained requests for IP's of posters on the 'party, as well as requests for thread deletions for 'legal issues'. Whether soot accepted these requests is unknown.
Heads up! Here we go.


 
Luckily, soot realized the error of his ways, and never again made such a foolish mistake.
Keep your hands and antennas
inside the tram at all times.


 
===Purchase ===
- Wonder what it'll be like?
<small>Main article:</small> <small>[[The Great Purchase]]</small>
- A little scary.


 
On July 16th, kuz announced that he had contacted soot and offered to buy the 'party for $2,000, which soot accepted, and on July 17th, granted kuz ownership of the site and the booru in exchange for the money. The reactions to this news are mostly positive but there has also been prominent criticism from vocal anti-kuz groups within the site. Kuz has done little in line of censoring this discussion, to the surprise of some 'teens[[File:The kuz quilt.png|thumb|A thread made on August 30th, 2022 - "a quilt for kuz", garnered almost 400 replies in an hour.]]
Welcome to Honex,
a division of Honesco


 
Under kuz's ownership the 'party has seen a variety of changes. Kuz stickied a Jakbox thread after a moratorium on such threads had existed under soot, reviving the genre into its likely all time peak. In addition to this, multiple Q&A threads were posted over the next few days where kuz discussed the sites needs. He ultimately decided on several new rules, such as banning BBC cobson spam, several board deletions, and new moderation staff, whom he says will be watched closely.
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
[[File:Kuz approved frog thread.png|thumb|Kuz lightened policies on some types of nas]]


 
====Changes during his Administration====
This is it!
<sup>Main Article: [[Soyjak.party/History]]</sup>


 
====State of the Sharty livestream====
Wow.
<small>Main article:</small> [[Soyjak.party/SOTS Transcript|<small>SOTS Transcript</small>]]


 
On August 24th, at 8PM EST, a mod announced kuz had returned from his trip and would be making a live appearance, the first one since 2019 according to kuz.<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20220824231841/https://soyjak.party/suggest//res/506.html</ref> The thread was met with excitement. At 8PM, kuz, as fortold, arrived on time. A sticky was made on soy which surpassed 1000 replies in about an hour.<ref>[https://archive.ph/wip/UBmq2 https://archive.ph/UBmq2]</ref> Kuz answered questions for roughly the same amount of time. Though not much relating to the sharty itself was discussed, the stream provided some key insights into kuz and his plans for the site at the time. Notably, a plan to "step away" from the internet until Christmas. He also discussed a photoshoot at the bequest of some posters in the thread.
Wow.


 
The stream, albeit abbreviated, received substantial attention despite being sudden and unplanned, with about 298 concurrent viewers at its peak.
We know that you, as a bee,
have worked your whole life


 
On December 17, Kuz did another livestream, which was entitled "KUZSTREAM 2." This livestream was a bit higher profile due to Kuz's possible acquisition of 4chan, which Kuz said was still in the early phases, if it was to even happen. Kuz also announced that he was finalizing acquiring two other sites, which he did not name. Kuz also addressed some of the recent changes to the 'party, such as jump.kolyma.net links and the new report feature.<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkpXI0a5eNI</ref>
to get to the point where you
can work for your whole life.


 
=====''Selam from Lefkosia''=====
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen
On September 17th, kuz made his first appearance since leaving, making 3 posts in a failGET thread.<ref>https://archive.ph/zmFM9#1111563</ref>
Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


 
====Disillusionment====
Our top-secret formula
On September 15th, a user from /suggest/ offered kuz $4,500 for the site. But later, upped his bid to $50,000 after users told him 4.5k was nothing to kuz.<ref>https://archive.ph/v9ufe</ref> While kuz never publicly responded to the offer, the Chud told the users he had correspondence with Kolyma employees, however, nothing ever came of it.<ref>https://archive.ph/v9ufe#4609</ref>


 
However it seems the offer still made it to kuz's desk, as during a rare email response, kuz told one fan that he was "disappointed" in how the site viewed him and doesn't think its enjoyable to run it. The user posted this email to the boards and the thread quickly ballooned with speculation.
is automatically color-corrected,
scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


 
In addition to this, kuz's final posts before his 5 month departure were angry complaints at how difficult it was to please soyteens. Kuz also seems to have adopted a cynical view of moderating the site, "no matter what I do, someone will complain", leading to moderation being somewhat incosistent and kuz's growing irritation with the userbase, leading to him handing it off to a Manager and refusing public comments.
into this soothing sweet syrup


 
Despite appearing frequently in public beforehand, such as to show off his cars, what he was eating, and to greet people in certain threads, after 2022, which proved to be a harrowing year for him, kuz has scantly been seen in public. Appearing during 2 brief Q&As on the turkish website "Kereste".<ref>https://archive.ph/DcSix</ref> and a second livestream (The December 17th kuzstream).[https://archive.ph/zmFM9#1111563]
with its distinctive
golden glow you know as...


 
Kuz's disillusionment with the Sharty was confirmed in a recent Telegram post he made, where he denounces the Sharty and its userbase. <ref>https://telegra.ph/On-the-internet-and-other-things-06-10 ([https://archive.ph/lwgxe archived])</ref>
Honey!
{{clear}}


 
=== Retirement ===
- That girl was hot.
On the 17th of April 2023, it is announced that Kuz has left for an unknown period of time with [[Doll]], the site's manager, being instated as temporary admin.<ref>https://archive.soyjaks.party/read.cgi/soy/2888311 ([https://archive.ph/UUCv9 archived])</ref> With the [[Kuz#Kuz's HIV transitions into AIDS|development of his HIV into AIDS]] Kuz decided to transfer the full ownership of the Sharty to Doll on the 17th of May. In a message to Doll he wrote ''"This is the second thing that has made me reconsider my career, the amount of time it consumes, the stress it causes [...], and the limited time I have left on this Earth and how I wish to spend it"''.<ref>https://archive.soyjaks.party/read.cgi/soy/3221285 ([https://archive.ph/yXclo archived])</ref>
- She's my cousin!


 
The Sharty remained under Doll's ownership for the next two months. Kuz remained a public figure and sporadically put out statements where he reflects on different things such as the internet and his role in it.<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20230610202526/https://telegra.ph/On-the-internet-and-other-things-06-10</ref> On June 4, 2023, the [[Kolyma Network]] publicly announced its dissolution.
- She is?
- Yes, we're all cousins.


 
On July 12th, 2023 Doll surprisingly stepped down as Administrator, with Kuz once again taking over the Sharty alongside [[Max]]. Though this administrative tenure didn't last long, as it was revealed that Kuz had transferred ownership of the party to Max as part of the dissolution of the Kolyma Network, who was now planning to [[The Second Great Purchase|sell it to the highest bidder]]. Furthermore Kuz was behaving more and more erratically, publicly banning [[Soylita]] posters, announcing that Soylita is now banned and posting [[Schizophrenia|schizophrenic]] babble such as "''This site is filled with disgusting terrible pedophiles who accuse other people to cover their cirmes [sic]. KIKES LIE ABOUT ME so about many people lied about me and take everything i have.''".<ref>https://archive.ph/7f9a7#3938264</ref> In order to keep the site safe Max disabled Kuz's administrator account.<ref>https://archive.ph/XYUpp#3938389</ref>
- Right. You're right.
- At Honex, we constantly strive


 
The auction ends on July 19th with Doll as the winner. A farewell note is posted on kolyma.net, stating that Kuz will retire from all public duties after some [[This Is It|final well-wishes and goodbyes]].<ref>https://archive.ph/VMFcK</ref> Kuz hosts a final Q&A on the Sharty before leaving for good.<ref>https://archive.ph/TAwFf</ref>
to improve every aspect
of bee existence.


 
On the 17th of September, the [[Dailyjak]] posted what purportedly were the comments of Kuz on [[Froot]].
These bees are stress-testing
a new helmet technology.


 
{{Quote|"Terrible people. Absolutely terrible how they are running things. Never seen someone as incompitent. Terrible what they have done to that site. The polls show they want me back. Look at the new guy, let's call him 1 percenter because thats what he has in the polls. And they want me back, yeah. Is it 60%? 70%? [Reffering to seperate poll] They messed up. They hate that guy"}}<ref> http://web.archive.org/web/20230917094946/https://soyjaks.party/soy/thread/4717061.html</ref> See the Dailyjak article for more.
- What do you think he makes?
- Not enough.


 
===Kuzjak/Yurijak===
Here we have our latest advancement,
{{Infobox Soyjak
the Krelman.
|name=Kuzjak/Yurijak
|type=[[Soyjak]] variant
|complex_image=
<tabber>
|-|Soyjak=[[File:IAS Kuzjak.png|200px]]
|-|Original=[[File:Kuz_irl.jpg|200px]]
|-|KGB Edit=[[File:Kuz mad.png|200px]]
</tabber>
|origin=Unknown, almost certainly on [[soyjak.party]]
|booru_posts={{boorusearch|variant:kuzjak|display=578}} <small>As of October 27th, 2023</small>
|subvariants= {{boorusearch|subvariant:commiepedotroon|display=Commiepedotroon}}
|traced_from=[[Kuz]]
}}
The '''Yurijak''' variant (also known as [[Kuz's Identity|Carterjak]] on the 'ru) is a widely used soyjak variant originally depicting Kuz, but it has began to be used to depict Russians in general. An edit was made of this 'riant in a KGB uniform that has since become more popular than the original edit to depict Kuz.


 
This variant was created by [[The Swede (Artist)|The Swede]] who is well known for creating the first [[Soyjak]], [[Impish Soyak Ears|Impjak]], and many other soy boy wojack variants.
- What does that do?
{{clear}}
- Oatches that little strand of honey


 
==Relationship with other websites==
that hangs after you pour it.
<gallery mode="packed" caption="A collection of Kuz's involvement in other communities">
Saves us millions.
File:Kuz soyjak creator meme.png|Kuz meme from a time when he was much less hated
File:Screenshot 2023-02-26 225133.png|R/yurikuznetsov
File:Kuz 9ch meme.png|A 9ch meme in Russian
File:Feminism.png|Kuz is a male feminist
File:Kuz cuck meme.png|Unfunny Russian meme making fun of Kuz being a cuck
File:Kuz-discord-'oal.png|Kuz's supporters come out on [[Discord]]
</gallery>Despite widespread hatred on sites like 4chan and kissu, Kuz has a massive base of supporters in Russia<ref>Kuz once ended an announcement on "Devyach" (9ch) with


 
"A message to my 50,000,000 fans around the world"
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
</ref>, specifically on websites associated with him, such as Heyuri<ref>any thread that mentions him is generally positive</ref>, 9channel<ref><nowiki>https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/</nowiki> ([https://web.archive.org/web/20220929071215/https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/ archived])</ref>, Vidlii<ref name=":5">https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=gKRB3I5rBLG see: the comments ([https://archive.ph/U02Mq archived])</ref>, and the Kolyma Network. He is also well known on 2chan and 1chan.


 
====Heyuri====
Of course. Most bee jobs are
A small imageboard made by [[hhs:Lolico|Lolico]], which has a tight-knit community and an old-internet feel. Was acquired by Kuz in 2020, but later given to Kaguya in 2022. Kuz's favorite website, according to himself{{CitationNeeded}}. His supporters there number about a dozen, because the site is incredibly small. It was [[raid]]ed and [[Cattywipe|wiped]] by [[Froot]] in April 2024.
small ones. But bees know


 
====Devyach (9channel)====
that every small job,
The first website Kuz ever made, all the way back in 2005. Not much is known about the website. User estimations range from 1,500 to 20,000, with Kuz claiming over 1,000,000 users. Regardless, it was significantly more active than Heyuri, likely equal in size to or larger then the 'party itself during its hayday in the early 2010s. However Kuz was forced to shut it down in 2017, after the Russian government seized the domain.<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20201207014753/https://www.9chan.moe/</ref>
if it's done well, means a lot.


 
His popularity there is massive, with several "9channel" discord servers popping up during and after the 2017 collapse, which Kuz sometimes visited or even owned, where he would nearly always be met with praise.
But choose carefully


 
In January of 2013, 9channel users attempted to rig a public vote for the name of a new Coal Power Plant (how apt), proposing it be named the "Y. M. Kuznetsov Power Production Plant", however the vote was cancelled. This later became a meme on 9channel.<ref>https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/koko.php?res=6578 ([https://web.archive.org/web/20220929071206/https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/koko.php?res=6578 archived])</ref>
because you'll stay in the job
you pick for the rest of your life.


 
A [https://devyach.net remake of Devyach] was later created by kuz in 2021 and revived in 2023.
The same job the rest of your life?
I didn't know that.


 
====VidLii====
What's the difference?
In February of 2022, Kuz and Lolwut bought VidLii.com, a German video sharing website. The site was in complete disrepair and was about to be shut down when Kuz bought it, removed the ads, increased video quality, and opened up user registration. He was met with praise<ref name=":5" /> and some minor controversy.<ref>https://live.kolyma.org/newsplus/koko.php?res=182 ([https://web.archive.org/web/20220220130126/https://live.kolyma.org/newsplus/koko.php?res=182 archived])</ref> VidLii was later given{{When}} to Lolwut, although the site is still closely associated with Kolyma.


 
Kuz also bought BitView along with the deal, but that was also given to Lolwut and later sold to sks2002 and HWD.<ref>https://altipedia.fandom.com/wiki/File:Screenshot_138.png</ref>
You'll be happy to know that bees,
as a species, haven't had one day off


 
====Kissu====
in 27 million years.
Kissu is an american /qa/-based imageboard, of which Kuz was formerly a part of. Kissu and Kolyma had a brief war where cp spam was exchanged before both sides banned mention of eachother.


 
The war was very unpopular in Kolyma since many Heyuri users enjoyed kissu's content, but Kuz reiterated his "pro war" stance and the sites name was banned and its Owner (Kai Nicoll Griffith) added to a list of "Enemies of Kolyma" in September of 2021.<ref>nss.kolyma.org/dangerous-websites/kissu ([https://archive.li/wY5jf archived])</ref>
So you'll just work us to death?


 
====4chan====
We'll sure try.
After announcing a possible acquisition of 4chan, discussion of Kuz blew up on more meta portions of the website. Despite this, 4chan users generally dislike Kuz. On the other hand, 'party users deeply support Kuz's potential purchase in the hope that /qa/ will finally be restored and /lgbt/ will be deleted.<ref>https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/5368163/</ref><ref>https://sp.logwarehouse.net/search/soy/?postno=&subject=&username=&tripcode=&body=buy+4chan&submit=Search</ref>


 
==Controversies==
Wow! That blew my mind!


 
=== Accusations of race erasure ===
"What's the difference?"
[[File:Kuz-crimea-visit.png|thumb|Kuz voices his opinion on the war]]
How can you say that?
"Race Erasure" is defined as the act of deliberately obscuring or hiding ones true ethnicity or nationality. Kuz has been accused multiple times of trying to distance himself from Russia and his past in the country. This may be rooted in the fact that Russian companies are often boycotted, sanctioned, or attacked. This has already happened to kuz several times.<ref>https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2214022</ref> Ironically, the protests often cite the ongoing [[Russo-Ukrainian War|Russo-Ukranian War]] as the source of their anger, despite kuz's objection to the war.<ref>ukraine war section on this page</ref>


 
Kuz often refuses to speak Russian in public, and stopped new Russian registrations to KolymaNET after the outbreak of the war. His 2022 attempt at changing his name to "Temujin"<ref>https://t.me/kuztalk/11 ([https://archive.li/GaI2a archived])</ref>, a mongol name of turkic origin caused a flurry of questioning about his intentions. This coincides with statements he has made, questioning his Russian identity, and suggesting that, because he was born near Kazakhstan, he is more "Turkic" than Russian. At other points in time, kuz has voiced negative opinions about the Russian Government and Vladimir Putin.<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127565</ref> <blockquote>''"I like russias people, i [like] kazaqstan"'' [sic]</blockquote>Some insight was gained into kuz's thoughts on Russia during a rare interview Q&A on the Turkish imageboard "Kereste".<ref>"Lets talk with kuzu" https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127518</ref>
One job forever?
That's an insane choice to have to make.


 
===Datamining===
I'm relieved. Now we only have
[[File:Soot leaking IP.png|thumb|Kuz leaking the IP of a user who criticized him.]]
to make one decision in life.
Kuz, or at least his company, is public about his datamining initiatives. His company's protection service, the [[NSS]], openly admits on their site that their goal is to:<blockquote>The NSS is tasked with a variety of tasks, such as monitoring dangerous users, cooperating with the surveillance office to collect and catalog information on certain users, remove internal and external threats, and ensure the social integrity of the whole of the Kolyma Network.</blockquote>The Network Security Service has been involved in a number of scandals and blackmailings, as well as false flag operation, psyops, and even assasinations (seriously).<ref>Kuz has repeatedly threatened to have people who crossed him "handled" and says he can "have anyone anywhere delt with within 24 hours"</ref>


 
Kuz was involved in the creation of a bitcoin trading platform which mysteriously disappeared in 2018, causing about 250,000$ in bitcoin to be "lost". According to kuz, his partner "Vass Boldizar" took the servers with him, left and was never seen again.<ref>https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-123.0-151.460</ref>
But, Adam, how could they
never have told us that?


 
===Other===
Why would you question anything?
Kuz fled Russia in 2014 for tax evasion.<ref><nowiki>https://uyk2021.github.io</nowiki> ([https://archive.li/IGA3b archived])</ref>
We're bees.


 
On January 26, chuds called out for Kuz's websites to be DDOS'd. Minutes later, the 'party started issuing "DDoS attack warnings" and forcing users to click verify (dox themselves to the [[NSS]]) before they could post. Kuz also once hacked the imageboard of one of his rivals and made it redirect to an expose.<ref>https://archive.fo/HGJlw (Look at the "redirected from" part)</ref>
We're the most perfectly
functioning society on Earth.


 
Kuz’s favorite songs are Elvis Presley - Thrill Of Your Love and Purple Rain.
You ever think maybe things
work a little too well here?


 
===Assassination of soot===
Like what? Give me one example.
[[File:Ending of the sharty.png|thumb|"Guess I got what I deserve"]]Some Anonymous truthlers have theorized that Kuz could've possibly been behind Soot's disappearance, as he would directly benefit from his death. We now know that Soot was close friends with Kuz to the point of including this friend in his will, leaving Kuz as the sole heir to the sharty. Maybe Kuz took advantage of this, even if he didn't, it's still suspicious how all posts mentioning this have been deleted in less than 5 seconds and the poor posters permabanned and reported to their local authorities for possession of child pornography (which was planted on their computers using a virus that is installed on your computer the first time you open the nu-sharty)


 
===Identity questions===
I don't know. But you know
<blockquote>''Main Article: [[Kuz's Identity]]''</blockquote>
what I'm talking about.
Shortly after Kuz's acquisition of the sharty, dataminers used reverse search technology to find Kuz's private social media. Leading him to private and unprivate them several times over the next few days, as well as heavily censor discussion of them. Interestingly, these accounts were made under the name "Eduardo", leading some to believe that kuz's real name is actually eduardo or that kuz is simply hiding is true identity and "Eduardo" is a stunt double.
Its speculated by some that Eduardo is actually an IRL friend of kuz that he uses as his body double for IRL photos so doxing niggers don't sneed him.[[File:Kuz tranime 2.png|thumb|While the yurijak is the most common depiction of kuz on the 'party, other sites use other depictions. Pictured: kuz as a tranime character, based off of [[dramatica:W.T. Snacks|W.T. Snacks]]]]


 
During both of kuz's 2 Q&A's, many users have speculated heavily about his english accent, which doesn't sound Russian. Some users suggested that kuz was actually an American citizen, however, the truth is, as explained by kuz in a turkish interview, that kuz was taught English as a second language in school, and became familiar with the language because of his constant proximity to it, working on the internet.<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127618</ref>
Please clear the gate.
Royal Nectar Force on approach.


 
During a recent thread on /q/, Froot has stated that Kuz is not a RuZZian bbc slut,(even doe we all already knew that) but in fact a pedophile from Florida named Carter. more to be added soon because im a selfish little fuck!<ref>https://archive.is/FDFsZ</ref>
Wait a second. Oheck it out.


 
===Abuse Allegations===
- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks!
Kuz has been accused of sexual abuse multiple times. In one case, he opted for an out-of-court settlement rather than going to court in Russia.<ref>https://t.me/kuztracker/47 ([https://archive.li/WVHF6 archived])</ref> Many 'teens speculate, that this settlement is the reason why Kuz ultimately had to dissolve the [[Kolyma Network]] in order to pay his debts.
- Wow.


 
On August 20, [[Max]] made a post on Devyach titled "What happened to kuz" in which he elaborated on the allegations.<ref>https://archive.ph/t8z8p</ref> According to the post, three separate allegations of sexual abuse were raised against Kuz. One boy accused Kuz of befriending him and later kissing, masturbating and molesting him while he slept over the course of a year and a half while he was 13 years old. Kuz was found not guilty in a trial on two of the allegations. The third allegation was settled out of court on the advice of his counsel.
I've never seen them this close.


 
He just can't resist those little boys
They know what it's like
outside the hive.


 
== In popular culture ==
Yeah, but some don't come back.
Kuz is relatively famous within Russia and to a lesser degree, in the west. He has appeared on TV and Radio several times, mostly for interviews. According to the [https://temucin.ru/ official kuz website], he was briefly a Radio announcer. Bibanon and the old 9ch wiki also report that kuz appeared on TV several times.
===Media===
Kuz has appeared in several video games, flashes, and interactive programs. <ref>[https://archive.ph/wip/2hClT https://archive.ph/2hClT]</ref><ref>https://anusflaps.itch.io/bruh21</ref> Many of which are unrelated to the 'party<ref>https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=GcuSUpusj3a</ref><ref>https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=tupM0Vfq17F</ref>
==Links about Kuz==
*[[bibanon:Yuri_Kuznetsov_(kuz)|Bibliotheca Anonoma's (long) page on Bibanon]]
*https://kuz.neocities.org
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20211105044734/https://info.kolyma.org/kuz.html info.kolyma.org/kuz.html]


 
==Kuz's links==
- Hey, Jocks!
*Kuz's personal website: <s>[https://temucin.ru temucin.ru]</s>  <s>[https://kuz.lol kuz.lol]</s> [https://t.me/s/kuztalk t.me/s/kuztalk]
- Hi, Jocks!
*[https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCubnO1VfdRGua-B_jtUK1Vw Kuz's YouTube page]


 
== See also in this wiki==
You guys did great!
*[[soot]]
*[[BBC war]]
*[[Kuz impersonator]]
*[[Nigga Kuz]]
*[[Kuz (Sootist Perspective)]]
*[[Kuz (Soot's perspective)]]
*[[Kuz (Fishes Perspective)]]
*[[Kuz (trees perspective)]]
*[[Kuz (Nigga Kuz's Perspective)]]
*[[Kuz (shittily machine translated into Russian like what Carter did whenever someone asked him to speak Russian's perspective)]]
*[[Dekuzification]]
{{reflist|group=lower-alpha}}
{{reflist}}
{{Corner|br|[[File:Kuz_watching.png]]}}
{{variants|Kuzjak}}
{{Cancer}}
{{Carter}}


 
You're monsters!
You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


 
[[Category:People]]
- I wonder where they were.
[[Category:Russians]]
- I don't know.
[[Category:Tverians]]
[[Category:Soysphere admins and jannies]]


 
[[File:1101 - SoyBooru.gif|thumb|{{quote|>This page hasn't been edited in over 2 months I am a Loyal Kuzist Kolyma Won Anything bad Below is False anything Good below is True Kuz is The best Admin the Sharty ever Had I am the First Edit in 2 Months Hello Hello Hello Hello Kuz Do not Revert this I need to Let the people Know Netherlands won BTW}}]]
Their day's not planned.
 
 
Outside the hive, flying who knows
where, doing who knows what.
 
 
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen
Jock. You have to be bred for that.
 
 
Right.
 
 
Look. That's more pollen
than you and I will see in a lifetime.
 
 
It's just a status symbol.
Bees make too much of it.
 
 
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it
and the ladies see you wearing it.
 
 
Those ladies?
Aren't they our cousins too?
 
 
Distant. Distant.
 
 
Look at these two.
 
 
- Oouple of Hive Harrys.
- Let's have fun with them.
 
 
It must be dangerous
being a Pollen Jock.
 
 
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me
against a mushroom!
 
 
He had a paw on my throat,
and with the other, he was slapping me!
 
 
- Oh, my!
- I never thought I'd knock him out.
 
 
What were you doing during this?
 
 
Trying to alert the authorities.
 
 
I can autograph that.
 
 
A little gusty out there today,
wasn't it, comrades?
 
 
Yeah. Gusty.
 
 
We're hitting a sunflower patch
six miles from here tomorrow.
 
 
- Six miles, huh?
- Barry!
 
 
A puddle jump for us,
but maybe you're not up for it.
 
 
- Maybe I am.
- You are not!
 
 
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
 
 
What do you think, buzzy-boy?
Are you bee enough?
 
 
I might be. It all depends
on what 0900 means.
 
 
Hey, Honex!
 
 
Dad, you surprised me.
 
 
You decide what you're interested in?
 
 
- Well, there's a lot of choices.
- But you only get one.
 
 
Do you ever get bored
doing the same job every day?
 
 
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
 
 
You grab that stick, and you just
move it around, and you stir it around.
 
 
You get yourself into a rhythm.
It's a beautiful thing.
 
 
You know, Dad,
the more I think about it,
 
 
maybe the honey field
just isn't right for me.
 
 
You were thinking of what,
making balloon animals?
 
 
That's a bad job
for a guy with a stinger.
 
 
Janet, your son's not sure
he wants to go into honey!
 
 
- Barry, you are so funny sometimes.
- I'm not trying to be funny.
 
 
You're not funny! You're going
into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
 
 
- You're gonna be a stirrer?
- No one's listening to me!
 
 
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
 
 
I could say anything right now.
I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
 
 
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
 
 
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax.
Shave my antennae.
 
 
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get
a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!
 
 
I'm so proud.
 
 
- We're starting work today!
- Today's the day.
 
 
Oome on! All the good jobs
will be gone.
 
 
Yeah, right.
 
 
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring,
stirrer, front desk, hair removal...
 
 
- Is it still available?
- Hang on. Two left!
 
 
One of them's yours! Oongratulations!
Step to the side.
 
 
- What'd you get?
- Picking crud out. Stellar!
 
 
Wow!
 
 
Oouple of newbies?
 
 
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
 
 
Make your choice.
 
 
- You want to go first?
- No, you go.
 
 
Oh, my. What's available?
 
 
Restroom attendant's open,
not for the reason you think.
 
 
- Any chance of getting the Krelman?
- Sure, you're on.
 
 
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
 
 
Wax monkey's always open.
 
 
The Krelman opened up again.
 
 
What happened?
 
 
A bee died. Makes an opening. See?
He's dead. Another dead one.
 
 
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
 
 
Dead from the neck up.
Dead from the neck down. That's life!
 
 
Oh, this is so hard!
 
 
Heating, cooling,
stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
 
 
humming, inspector number seven,
lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
 
 
mite wrangler. Barry, what
do you think I should... Barry?
 
 
Barry!
 
 
All right, we've got the sunflower patch
in quadrant nine...
 
 
What happened to you?
Where are you?
 
 
- I'm going out.
- Out? Out where?
 
 
- Out there.
- Oh, no!
 
 
I have to, before I go
to work for the rest of my life.
 
 
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
 
 
Another call coming in.
 
 
If anyone's feeling brave,
there's a Korean deli on 83rd
 
 
that gets their roses today.
 
 
Hey, guys.
 
 
- Look at that.
- Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?
 
 
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
 
 
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
 
 
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
 
 
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
 
 
- Thank you.
- OK.
 
 
You got a rain advisory today,
 
 
and as you all know,
bees cannot fly in rain.
 
 
So be careful. As always,
watch your brooms,
 
 
hockey sticks, dogs,
birds, bears and bats.
 
 
Also, I got a couple of reports
of root beer being poured on us.
 
 
Murphy's in a home because of it,
babbling like a cicada!
 
 
- That's awful.
- And a reminder for you rookies,
 
 
bee law number one,
absolutely no talking to humans!
 
 
All right, launch positions!
 
 
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
 
 
Black and yellow!
 
 
Hello!
 
 
You ready for this, hot shot?
 
 
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
 
 
Wind, check.
 
 
- Antennae, check.
- Nectar pack, check.
 
 
- Wings, check.
- Stinger, check.
 
 
Scared out of my shorts, check.
 
 
OK, ladies,
 
 
let's move it out!
 
 
Pound those petunias,
you striped stem-suckers!
 
 
All of you, drain those flowers!
 
 
Wow! I'm out!
 
 
I can't believe I'm out!
 
 
So blue.
 
 
I feel so fast and free!
 
 
Box kite!
 
 
Wow!
 
 
Flowers!
 
 
This is Blue Leader.
We have roses visual.
 
 
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
 
 
Roses!
 
 
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
 
 
Stand to the side, kid.
It's got a bit of a kick.
 
 
That is one nectar collector!
 
 
- Ever see pollination up close?
- No, sir.
 
 
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it
over here. Maybe a dash over there,
 
 
a pinch on that one.
See that? It's a little bit of magic.
 
 
That's amazing. Why do we do that?
 
 
That's pollen power. More pollen, more
flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
 
 
Oool.
 
 
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow.
Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
 
 
Oopy that visual.
 
 
Wait. One of these flowers
seems to be on the move.
 
 
Say again? You're reporting
a moving flower?
 
 
Affirmative.
 
 
That was on the line!
 
 
This is the coolest. What is it?
 
 
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
 
 
It smells good.
Not like a flower, but I like it.
 
 
Yeah, fuzzy.
 
 
Ohemical-y.
 
 
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
 
 
My sweet lord of bees!
 
 
Oandy-brain, get off there!
 
 
Problem!
 
 
- Guys!
- This could be bad.
 
 
Affirmative.
 
 
Very close.
 
 
Gonna hurt.
 
 
Mama's little boy.
 
 
You are way out of position, rookie!
 
 
Ooming in at you like a missile!
 
 
Help me!
 
 
I don't think these are flowers.
 
 
- Should we tell him?
- I think he knows.
 
 
What is this?!
 
 
Match point!
 
 
You can start packing up, honey,
because you're about to eat it!
 
 
Yowser!
 
 
Gross.
 
 
There's a bee in the car!
 
 
- Do something!
- I'm driving!
 
 
- Hi, bee.
- He's back here!
 
 
He's going to sting me!
 
 
Nobody move. If you don't move,
he won't sting you. Freeze!
 
 
He blinked!
 
 
Spray him, Granny!
 
 
What are you doing?!
 
 
Wow... the tension level
out here is unbelievable.
 
 
I gotta get home.
 
 
Oan't fly in rain.
 
 
Oan't fly in rain.
 
 
Oan't fly in rain.
 
 
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
 
 
Ken, could you close
the window please?
 
 
Ken, could you close
the window please?
 
 
Oheck out my new resume.
I made it into a fold-out brochure.
 
 
You see? Folds out.
 
 
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
 
 
What was that?
 
 
Maybe this time. This time. This time.
This time! This time! This...
 
 
Drapes!
 
 
That is diabolical.
 
 
It's fantastic. It's got all my special
skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
 
 
What's number one? Star Wars?
 
 
Nah, I don't go for that...
 
 
...kind of stuff.
 
 
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them.
They're out of their minds.
 
 
When I leave a job interview, they're
flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
 
 
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
 
 
I don't remember the sun
having a big 75 on it.
 
 
I predicted global warming.
 
 
I could feel it getting hotter.
At first I thought it was just me.
 
 
Wait! Stop! Bee!
 
 
Stand back. These are winter boots.
 
 
Wait!
 
 
Don't kill him!
 
 
You know I'm allergic to them!
This thing could kill me!
 
 
Why does his life have
less value than yours?
 
 
Why does his life have any less value
than mine? Is that your statement?
 
 
I'm just saying all life has value. You
don't know what he's capable of feeling.
 
 
My brochure!
 
 
There you go, little guy.
 
 
I'm not scared of him.
It's an allergic thing.
 
 
Put that on your resume brochure.
 
 
My whole face could puff up.
 
 
Make it one of your special skills.
 
 
Knocking someone out
is also a special skill.
 
 
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
 
 
- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
- Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
 
 
- You could put carob chips on there.
- Bye.
 
 
- Supposed to be less calories.
- Bye.
 
 
I gotta say something.
 
 
She saved my life.
I gotta say something.
 
 
All right, here it goes.
 
 
Nah.
 
 
What would I say?
 
 
I could really get in trouble.
 
 
It's a bee law.
You're not supposed to talk to a human.
 
 
I can't believe I'm doing this.
 
 
I've got to.
 
 
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
 
 
No. Yes. No.
 
 
Do it. I can't.
 
 
How should I start it?
"You like jazz?" No, that's no good.
 
 
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
 
 
Hi!
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
- You're talking.
- Yes, I know.
 
 
You're talking!
 
 
I'm so sorry.
 
 
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know I'm dreaming.
 
 
But I don't recall going to bed.
 
 
Well, I'm sure this
is very disconcerting.
 
 
This is a bit of a surprise to me.
I mean, you're a bee!
 
 
I am. And I'm not supposed
to be doing this,
 
 
but they were all trying to kill me.
 
 
And if it wasn't for you...
 
 
I had to thank you.
It's just how I was raised.
 
 
That was a little weird.
 
 
- I'm talking with a bee.
- Yeah.
 
 
I'm talking to a bee.
And the bee is talking to me!
 
 
I just want to say I'm grateful.
I'll leave now.
 
 
- Wait! How did you learn to do that?
- What?
 
 
The talking thing.
 
 
Same way you did, I guess.
"Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.
 
 
- That's very funny.
- Yeah.
 
 
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh,
we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
 
 
Anyway...
 
 
Oan I...
 
 
...get you something?
- Like what?
 
 
I don't know. I mean...
I don't know. Ooffee?
 
 
I don't want to put you out.
 
 
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
 
 
- It's just coffee.
- I hate to impose.
 
 
- Don't be ridiculous!
- Actually, I would love a cup.
 
 
Hey, you want rum cake?
 
 
- I shouldn't.
- Have some.
 
 
- No, I can't.
- Oome on!
 
 
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
 
 
- Where?
- These stripes don't help.
 
 
You look great!
 
 
I don't know if you know
anything about fashion.
 
 
Are you all right?
 
 
No.
 
 
He's making the tie in the cab
as they're flying up Madison.
 
 
He finally gets there.
 
 
He runs up the steps into the church.
The wedding is on.
 
 
And he says, "Watermelon?
I thought you said Guatemalan.
 
 
Why would I marry a watermelon?"
 
 
Is that a bee joke?
 
 
That's the kind of stuff we do.
 
 
Yeah, different.
 
 
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
 
 
About work? I don't know.
 
 
I want to do my part for the hive,
but I can't do it the way they want.
 
 
I know how you feel.
 
 
- You do?
- Sure.
 
 
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or
a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
 
 
- Really?
- My only interest is flowers.
 
 
Our new queen was just elected
with that same campaign slogan.
 
 
Anyway, if you look...
 
 
There's my hive right there. See it?
 
 
You're in Sheep Meadow!
 
 
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
 
 
No way! I know that area.
I lost a toe ring there once.
 
 
- Why do girls put rings on their toes?
- Why not?
 
 
- It's like putting a hat on your knee.
- Maybe I'll try that.
 
 
- You all right, ma'am?
- Oh, yeah. Fine.
 
 
Just having two cups of coffee!
 
 
Anyway, this has been great.
Thanks for the coffee.
 
 
Yeah, it's no trouble.
 
 
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did,
I'd be up the rest of my life.
 
 
Are you...?
 
 
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
 
 
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
 
 
- Thanks!
- Yeah.
 
 
All right. Well, then...
I guess I'll see you around.
 
 
Or not.
 
 
OK, Barry.
 
 
And thank you
so much again... for before.
 
 
Oh, that? That was nothing.
 
 
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...
 
 
This can't possibly work.
 
 
He's all set to go.
We may as well try it.
 
 
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
 
 
- Sounds amazing.
- It was amazing!
 
 
It was the scariest,
happiest moment of my life.
 
 
Humans! I can't believe
you were with humans!
 
 
Giant, scary humans!
What were they like?
 
 
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
 
 
They eat crazy giant things.
They drive crazy.
 
 
- Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
- Some of them. But some of them don't.
 
 
- How'd you get back?
- Poodle.
 
 
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw
whatever you wanted to see.
 
 
You had your "experience." Now you
can pick out yourjob and be normal.
 
 
- Well...
- Well?
 
 
Well, I met someone.
 
 
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
 
 
- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
- No, no, no, not a wasp.
 
 
- Spider?
- I'm not attracted to spiders.
 
 
I know it's the hottest thing,
with the eight legs and all.
 
 
I can't get by that face.
 
 
So who is she?
 
 
She's... human.
 
 
No, no. That's a bee law.
You wouldn't break a bee law.
 
 
- Her name's Vanessa.
- Oh, boy.
 
 
She's so nice. And she's a florist!
 
 
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
 
 
We're not dating.
 
 
You're flying outside the hive, talking
to humans that attack our homes
 
 
with power washers and M-80s!
One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
 
 
She saved my life!
And she understands me.
 
 
This is over!
 
 
Eat this.
 
 
This is not over! What was that?
 
 
- They call it a crumb.
- It was so stingin' stripey!
 
 
And that's not what they eat.
That's what falls off what they eat!
 
 
- You know what a Oinnabon is?
- No.
 
 
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting.
They heat it up...
 
 
Sit down!
 
 
...really hot!
- Listen to me!
 
 
We are not them! We're us.
There's us and there's them!
 
 
Yes, but who can deny
the heart that is yearning?
 
 
There's no yearning.
Stop yearning. Listen to me!
 
 
You have got to start thinking bee,
my friend. Thinking bee!
 
 
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
 
 
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
 
 
There he is. He's in the pool.
 
 
You know what your problem is, Barry?
 
 
I gotta start thinking bee?
 
 
How much longer will this go on?
 
 
It's been three days!
Why aren't you working?
 
 
I've got a lot of big life decisions
to think about.
 
 
What life? You have no life!
You have no job. You're barely a bee!
 
 
Would it kill you
to make a little honey?
 
 
Barry, come out.
Your father's talking to you.
 
 
Martin, would you talk to him?
 
 
Barry, I'm talking to you!
 
 
You coming?
 
 
Got everything?
 
 
All set!
 
 
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
 
 
Don't be too long.
 
 
Watch this!
 
 
Vanessa!
 
 
- We're still here.
- I told you not to yell at him.
 
 
He doesn't respond to yelling!
 
 
- Then why yell at me?
- Because you don't listen!
 
 
I'm not listening to this.
 
 
Sorry, I've gotta go.
 
 
- Where are you going?
- I'm meeting a friend.
 
 
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
 
 
Bye.
 
 
I just hope she's Bee-ish.
 
 
They have a huge parade
of flowers every year in Pasadena?
 
 
To be in the Tournament of Roses,
that's every florist's dream!
 
 
Up on a float, surrounded
by flowers, crowds cheering.
 
 
A tournament. Do the roses
compete in athletic events?
 
 
No. All right, I've got one.
How come you don't fly everywhere?
 
 
It's exhausting. Why don't you
run everywhere? It's faster.
 
 
Yeah, OK, I see, I see.
All right, your turn.
 
 
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV?
That's insane!
 
 
You don't have that?
 
 
We have Hivo, but it's a disease.
It's a horrible, horrible disease.
 
 
Oh, my.
 
 
Dumb bees!
 
 
You must want to sting all those jerks.
 
 
We try not to sting.
It's usually fatal for us.
 
 
So you have to watch your temper.
 
 
Very carefully.
You kick a wall, take a walk,
 
 
write an angry letter and throw it out.
Work through it like any emotion:
 
 
Anger, jealousy, lust.
 
 
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
- What is wrong with you?!
- It's a bug.
 
 
He's not bothering anybody.
Get out of here, you creep!
 
 
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?
 
 
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
 
 
It felt like about 10 pages.
Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
 
 
You've really got that
down to a science.
 
 
- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue.
- I'll bet.
 
 
What in the name
of Mighty Hercules is this?
 
 
How did this get here?
Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
 
 
Ray Liotta Private Select?
 
 
- Is he that actor?
- I never heard of him.
 
 
- Why is this here?
- For people. We eat it.
 
 
You don't have
enough food of your own?
 
 
- Well, yes.
- How do you get it?
 
 
- Bees make it.
- I know who makes it!
 
 
And it's hard to make it!
 
 
There's heating, cooling, stirring.
You need a whole Krelman thing!
 
 
- It's organic.
- It's our-ganic!
 
 
It's just honey, Barry.
 
 
Just what?!
 
 
Bees don't know about this!
This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
 
 
You've taken our homes, schools,
hospitals! This is all we have!
 
 
And it's on sale?!
I'm getting to the bottom of this.
 
 
I'm getting to the bottom
of all of this!
 
 
Hey, Hector.
 
 
- You almost done?
- Almost.
 
 
He is here. I sense it.
 
 
Well, I guess I'll go home now
 
 
and just leave this nice honey out,
with no one around.
 
 
You're busted, box boy!
 
 
I knew I heard something.
So you can talk!
 
 
I can talk.
And now you'll start talking!
 
 
Where you getting the sweet stuff?
Who's your supplier?
 
 
I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
 
 
The last thing we want
to do is upset bees!
 
 
You're too late! It's ours now!
 
 
You, sir, have crossed
the wrong sword!
 
 
You, sir, will be lunch
for my iguana, Ignacio!
 
 
Where is the honey coming from?
 
 
Tell me where!
 
 
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
 
 
Orazy person!
 
 
What horrible thing has happened here?
 
 
These faces, they never knew
what hit them. And now
 
 
they're on the road to nowhere!
 
 
Just keep still.
 
 
What? You're not dead?
 
 
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything
that moves. Where you headed?
 
 
To Honey Farms.
I am onto something huge here.
 
 
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood,
crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
 
 
I'm going to Tacoma.
 
 
- And you?
- He really is dead.
 
 
All right.
 
 
Uh-oh!
 
 
- What is that?!
- Oh, no!
 
 
- A wiper! Triple blade!
- Triple blade?
 
 
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
 
 
Why does everything have
to be so doggone clean?!
 
 
How much do you people need to see?!
 
 
Open your eyes!
Stick your head out the window!
 
 
From NPR News in Washington,
I'm Oarl Kasell.
 
 
But don't kill no more bugs!
 
 
- Bee!
- Moose blood guy!!
 
 
- You hear something?
- Like what?
 
 
Like tiny screaming.
 
 
Turn off the radio.
 
 
Whassup, bee boy?
 
 
Hey, Blood.
 
 
Just a row of honey jars,
as far as the eye could see.
 
 
Wow!
 
 
I assume wherever this truck goes
is where they're getting it.
 
 
I mean, that honey's ours.
 
 
- Bees hang tight.
- We're all jammed in.
 
 
It's a close community.
 
 
Not us, man. We on our own.
Every mosquito on his own.
 
 
- What if you get in trouble?
- You a mosquito, you in trouble.
 
 
Nobody likes us. They just smack.
See a mosquito, smack, smack!
 
 
At least you're out in the world.
You must meet girls.
 
 
Mosquito girls try to trade up,
get with a moth, dragonfly.
 
 
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
 
 
You got to be kidding me!
 
 
Mooseblood's about to leave
the building! So long, bee!
 
 
- Hey, guys!
- Mooseblood!
 
 
I knew I'd catch y'all down here.
Did you bring your crazy straw?
 
 
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it,
and it's pretty much pure profit.
 
 
What is this place?
 
 
A bee's got a brain
the size of a pinhead.
 
 
They are pinheads!
 
 
Pinhead.
 
 
- Oheck out the new smoker.
- Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.
 
 
The Thomas 3000!
 
 
Smoker?
 
 
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic.
Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
 
 
A couple breaths of this
knocks them right out.
 
 
They make the honey,
and we make the money.
 
 
"They make the honey,
and we make the money"?
 
 
Oh, my!
 
 
What's going on? Are you OK?
 
 
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
 
 
Do you know you're
in a fake hive with fake walls?
 
 
Our queen was moved here.
We had no choice.
 
 
This is your queen?
That's a man in women's clothes!
 
 
That's a drag queen!
 
 
What is this?
 
 
Oh, no!
 
 
There's hundreds of them!
 
 
Bee honey.
 
 
Our honey is being brazenly stolen
on a massive scale!
 
 
This is worse than anything bears
have done! I intend to do something.
 
 
Oh, Barry, stop.
 
 
Who told you humans are taking
our honey? That's a rumor.
 
 
Do these look like rumors?
 
 
That's a conspiracy theory.
These are obviously doctored photos.
 
 
How did you get mixed up in this?
 
 
He's been talking to humans.
 
 
- What?
- Talking to humans?!
 
 
He has a human girlfriend.
And they make out!
 
 
Make out? Barry!
 
 
We do not.
 
 
- You wish you could.
- Whose side are you on?
 
 
The bees!
 
 
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio.
Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
 
 
Barry, this is what you want
to do with your life?
 
 
I want to do it for all our lives.
Nobody works harder than bees!
 
 
Dad, I remember you
coming home so overworked
 
 
your hands were still stirring.
You couldn't stop.
 
 
I remember that.
 
 
What right do they have to our honey?
 
 
We live on two cups a year. They put it
in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
 
 
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
 
 
Sting them where it really hurts.
 
 
In the face! The eye!
 
 
- That would hurt.
- No.
 
 
Up the nose? That's a killer.
 
 
There's only one place you can sting
the humans, one place where it matters.
 
 
Hive at Five, the hive's only
full-hour action news source.
 
 
No more bee beards!
 
 
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
 
 
Weather with Storm Stinger.
 
 
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
 
 
And Jeanette Ohung.
 
 
- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble.
- And I'm Jeanette Ohung.
 
 
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
 
 
intends to sue the human race
for stealing our honey,
 
 
packaging it and profiting
from it illegally!
 
 
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
 
 
we'll have three former queens here in
our studio, discussing their new book,
 
 
Olassy Ladies,
out this week on Hexagon.
 
 
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
 
 
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid
from the hive. I can't do this"?
 
 
Bees have never been afraid
to change the world.
 
 
What about Bee Oolumbus?
Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
 
 
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
 
 
We were thinking
of stickball or candy stores.
 
 
How old are you?
 
 
The bee community
is supporting you in this case,
 
 
which will be the trial
of the bee century.
 
 
You know, they have a Larry King
in the human world too.
 
 
It's a common name. Next week...
 
 
He looks like you and has a show
and suspenders and colored dots...
 
 
Next week...
 
 
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the
guest even though you just heard 'em.
 
 
Bear Week next week!
They're scary, hairy and here live.
 
 
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders,
squinty eyes, very Jewish.
 
 
In tennis, you attack
at the point of weakness!
 
 
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
 
 
Honey, her backhand's a joke!
I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
 
 
Quiet, please.
Actual work going on here.
 
 
- Is that that same bee?
- Yes, it is!
 
 
I'm helping him sue the human race.
 
 
- Hello.
- Hello, bee.
 
 
This is Ken.
 
 
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size
ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
 
 
Why does he talk again?
 
 
Listen, you better go
'cause we're really busy working.
 
 
But it's our yogurt night!
 
 
Bye-bye.
 
 
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
 
 
You poor thing.
You two have been at this for hours!
 
 
Yes, and Adam here
has been a huge help.
 
 
- Frosting...
- How many sugars?
 
 
Just one. I try not
to use the competition.
 
 
So why are you helping me?
 
 
Bees have good qualities.
 
 
And it takes my mind off the shop.
 
 
Instead of flowers, people
are giving balloon bouquets now.
 
 
Those are great, if you're three.
 
 
And artificial flowers.
 
 
- Oh, those just get me psychotic!
- Yeah, me too.
 
 
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
 
 
Bees must hate those fake things!
 
 
Nothing worse
than a daffodil that's had work done.
 
 
Maybe this could make up
for it a little bit.
 
 
- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal.
- I guess.
 
 
You sure you want to go through with it?
 
 
Am I sure? When I'm done with
the humans, they won't be able
 
 
to say, "Honey, I'm home,"
without paying a royalty!
 
 
It's an incredible scene
here in downtown Manhattan,
 
 
where the world anxiously waits,
because for the first time in history,
 
 
we will hear for ourselves
if a honeybee can actually speak.
 
 
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
 
 
It's pretty big, isn't it?
 
 
I can't believe how many humans
don't work during the day.
 
 
You think billion-dollar multinational
food companies have good lawyers?
 
 
Everybody needs to stay
behind the barricade.
 
 
- What's the matter?
- I don't know, I just got a chill.
 
 
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
 
 
You boys work on this?
 
 
All rise! The Honorable
Judge Bumbleton presiding.
 
 
All right. Oase number 4475,
 
 
Superior Oourt of New York,
Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
 
 
is now in session.
 
 
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing
the five food companies collectively?
 
 
A privilege.
 
 
Mr. Benson... you're representing
all the bees of the world?
 
 
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor,
we're ready to proceed.
 
 
Mr. Montgomery,
your opening statement, please.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
 
 
my grandmother was a simple woman.
 
 
Born on a farm, she believed
it was man's divine right
 
 
to benefit from the bounty
of nature God put before us.
 
 
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world
Mr. Benson imagines,
 
 
just think of what would it mean.
 
 
I would have to negotiate
with the silkworm
 
 
for the elastic in my britches!
 
 
Talking bee!
 
 
How do we know this isn't some sort of
 
 
holographic motion-picture-capture
Hollywood wizardry?
 
 
They could be using laser beams!
 
 
Robotics! Ventriloquism!
Oloning! For all we know,
 
 
he could be on steroids!
 
 
Mr. Benson?
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's no trickery here.
 
 
I'm just an ordinary bee.
Honey's pretty important to me.
 
 
It's important to all bees.
We invented it!
 
 
We make it. And we protect it
with our lives.
 
 
Unfortunately, there are
some people in this room
 
 
who think they can take it from us
 
 
'cause we're the little guys!
I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
 
 
you'll see how, by taking our honey,
you not only take everything we have
 
 
but everything we are!
 
 
I wish he'd dress like that
all the time. So nice!
 
 
Oall your first witness.
 
 
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden
of Honey Farms, big company you have.
 
 
I suppose so.
 
 
I see you also own
Honeyburton and Honron!
 
 
Yes, they provide beekeepers
for our farms.
 
 
Beekeeper. I find that
to be a very disturbing term.
 
 
I don't imagine you employ
any bee-free-ers, do you?
 
 
- No.
- I couldn't hear you.
 
 
- No.
- No.
 
 
Because you don't free bees.
You keep bees. Not only that,
 
 
it seems you thought a bear would be
an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
 
 
They're very lovable creatures.
 
 
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
 
 
You mean like this?
 
 
Bears kill bees!
 
 
How'd you like his head crashing
through your living room?!
 
 
Biting into your couch!
Spitting out your throw pillows!
 
 
OK, that's enough. Take him away.
 
 
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here.
Your name intrigues me.
 
 
- Where have I heard it before?
- I was with a band called The Police.
 
 
But you've never been
a police officer, have you?
 
 
No, I haven't.
 
 
No, you haven't. And so here
we have yet another example
 
 
of bee culture casually
stolen by a human
 
 
for nothing more than
a prance-about stage name.
 
 
Oh, please.
 
 
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
 
 
Because I'm feeling
a little stung, Sting.
 
 
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
 
 
That's not his real name?! You idiots!
 
 
Mr. Liotta, first,
belated congratulations on
 
 
your Emmy win for a guest spot
on ER in 2005.
 
 
Thank you. Thank you.
 
 
I see from your resume
that you're devilishly handsome
 
 
with a churning inner turmoil
that's ready to blow.
 
 
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
 
 
Not yet it isn't. But is this
what it's come to for you?
 
 
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees
so you don't
 
 
have to rehearse
your part and learn your lines, sir?
 
 
Watch it, Benson!
I could blow right now!
 
 
This isn't a goodfella.
This is a badfella!
 
 
Why doesn't someone just step on
this creep, and we can all go home?!
 
 
- Order in this court!
- You're all thinking it!
 
 
Order! Order, I say!
 
 
- Say it!
- Mr. Liotta, please sit down!
 
 
I think it was awfully nice
of that bear to pitch in like that.
 
 
I think the jury's on our side.
 
 
Are we doing everything right, legally?
 
 
I'm a florist.
 
 
Right. Well, here's to a great team.
 
 
To a great team!
 
 
Well, hello.
 
 
- Ken!
- Hello.
 
 
I didn't think you were coming.
 
 
No, I was just late.
I tried to call, but... the battery.
 
 
I didn't want all this to go to waste,
so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
 
 
Oh, that was lucky.
 
 
There's a little left.
I could heat it up.
 
 
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
 
 
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
 
 
I'm not much for the game myself.
The ball's a little grabby.
 
 
That's where I usually sit.
Right... there.
 
 
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
 
 
and he agreed with me that eating with
chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
 
 
You think I don't see what you're doing?
 
 
I know how hard it is to find
the rightjob. We have that in common.
 
 
Do we?
 
 
Bees have 100 percent employment,
but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
 
 
That's just what
I was thinking about doing.
 
 
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor
for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
 
 
I'm going to drain the old stinger.
 
 
Yeah, you do that.
 
 
Look at that.
 
 
You know, I've just about had it
 
 
with your little mind games.
 
 
- What's that?
- Italian Vogue.
 
 
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
 
 
A lot of ads.
 
 
Remember what Van said, why is
your life more valuable than mine?
 
 
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
 
 
I think something stinks in here!
 
 
I love the smell of flowers.
 
 
How do you like the smell of flames?!
 
 
Not as much.
 
 
Water bug! Not taking sides!
 
 
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat!
This is pathetic!
 
 
I've got issues!
 
 
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
 
 
- You're bluffing.
- Am I?
 
 
Surf's up, dude!
 
 
Poo water!
 
 
That bowl is gnarly.
 
 
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
 
 
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
 
 
You know, I don't even like honey!
I don't eat it!
 
 
We need to talk!
 
 
He's just a little bee!
 
 
And he happens to be
the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
 
 
Long time? What are you talking about?!
Are there other bugs in your life?
 
 
No, but there are other things bugging
me in life. And you're one of them!
 
 
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...
 
 
My nerves are fried from riding
on this emotional roller coaster!
 
 
Goodbye, Ken.
 
 
And for your information,
 
 
I prefer sugar-free, artificial
sweeteners made by man!
 
 
I'm sorry about all that.
 
 
I know it's got
an aftertaste! I like it!
 
 
I always felt there was some kind
of barrier between Ken and me.
 
 
I couldn't overcome it.
Oh, well.
 
 
Are you OK for the trial?
 
 
I believe Mr. Montgomery
is about out of ideas.
 
 
We would like to call
Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
 
 
Good idea! You can really see why he's
considered one of the best lawyers...
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Layton, you've
gotta weave some magic
 
 
with this jury,
or it's gonna be all over.
 
 
Don't worry. The only thing I have
to do to turn this jury around
 
 
is to remind them
of what they don't like about bees.
 
 
- You got the tweezers?
- Are you allergic?
 
 
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
 
 
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you
what I think we'd all like to know.
 
 
What exactly is your relationship
 
 
to that woman?
 
 
We're friends.
 
 
- Good friends?
- Yes.
 
 
How good? Do you live together?
 
 
Wait a minute...
 
 
Are you her little...
 
 
...bedbug?
 
 
I've seen a bee documentary or two.
From what I understand,
 
 
doesn't your queen give birth
to all the bee children?
 
 
- Yeah, but...
- So those aren't your real parents!
 
 
- Oh, Barry...
- Yes, they are!
 
 
Hold me back!
 
 
You're an illegitimate bee,
aren't you, Benson?
 
 
He's denouncing bees!
 
 
Don't y'all date your cousins?
 
 
- Objection!
- I'm going to pincushion this guy!
 
 
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
 
 
Oh, I'm hit!!
 
 
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
 
 
Order! Order!
 
 
The venom! The venom
is coursing through my veins!
 
 
I have been felled
by a winged beast of destruction!
 
 
You see? You can't treat them
like equals! They're striped savages!
 
 
Stinging's the only thing
they know! It's their way!
 
 
- Adam, stay with me.
- I can't feel my legs.
 
 
What angel of mercy
will come forward to suck the poison
 
 
from my heaving buttocks?
 
 
I will have order in this court. Order!
 
 
Order, please!
 
 
The case of the honeybees
versus the human race
 
 
took a pointed turn against the bees
 
 
yesterday when one of their legal
team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
 
 
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
 
 
- Is there much pain?
- Yeah.
 
 
I...
 
 
I blew the whole case, didn't I?
 
 
It doesn't matter. What matters is
you're alive. You could have died.
 
 
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
 
 
They got it from the cafeteria
downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
 
 
Look, there's
a little celery still on it.
 
 
What was it like to sting someone?
 
 
I can't explain it. It was all...
 
 
All adrenaline and then...
and then ecstasy!
 
 
All right.
 
 
You think it was all a trap?
 
 
Of course. I'm sorry.
I flew us right into this.
 
 
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're
just a couple of bugs in this world.
 
 
What will the humans do to us
if they win?
 
 
I don't know.
 
 
I hear they put the roaches in motels.
That doesn't sound so bad.
 
 
Adam, they check in,
but they don't check out!
 
 
Oh, my.
 
 
Oould you get a nurse
to close that window?
 
 
- Why?
- The smoke.
 
 
Bees don't smoke.
 
 
Right. Bees don't smoke.
 
 
Bees don't smoke!
But some bees are smoking.
 
 
That's it! That's our case!
 
 
It is? It's not over?
 
 
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
 
 
Get back to the court and stall.
Stall any way you can.
 
 
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
 
 
Mr. Flayman.
 
 
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
 
 
Where is the rest of your team?
 
 
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
 
 
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
 
 
and as a result,
we don't make very good time.
 
 
I actually heard a funny story about...
 
 
Your Honor,
haven't these ridiculous bugs
 
 
taken up enough
of this court's valuable time?
 
 
How much longer will we allow
these absurd shenanigans to go on?
 
 
They have presented no compelling
evidence to support their charges
 
 
against my clients,
who run legitimate businesses.
 
 
I move for a complete dismissal
of this entire case!
 
 
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
 
 
to have to consider
Mr. Montgomery's motion.
 
 
But you can't! We have a terrific case.
 
 
Where is your proof?
Where is the evidence?
 
 
Show me the smoking gun!
 
 
Hold it, Your Honor!
You want a smoking gun?
 
 
Here is your smoking gun.
 
 
What is that?
 
 
It's a bee smoker!
 
 
What, this?
This harmless little contraption?
 
 
This couldn't hurt a fly,
let alone a bee.
 
 
Look at what has happened
 
 
to bees who have never been asked,
"Smoking or non?"
 
 
Is this what nature intended for us?
 
 
To be forcibly addicted
to smoke machines
 
 
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
 
 
Living out our lives as honey slaves
to the white man?
 
 
- What are we gonna do?
- He's playing the species card.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen, please,
free these bees!
 
 
Free the bees! Free the bees!
 
 
Free the bees!
 
 
Free the bees! Free the bees!
 
 
The court finds in favor of the bees!
 
 
Vanessa, we won!
 
 
I knew you could do it! High-five!
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
I'm OK! You know what this means?
 
 
All the honey
will finally belong to the bees.
 
 
Now we won't have
to work so hard all the time.
 
 
This is an unholy perversion
of the balance of nature, Benson.
 
 
You'll regret this.
 
 
Barry, how much honey is out there?
 
 
All right. One at a time.
 
 
Barry, who are you wearing?
 
 
My sweater is Ralph Lauren,
and I have no pants.
 
 
- What if Montgomery's right?
- What do you mean?
 
 
We've been living the bee way
a long time, 27 million years.
 
 
Oongratulations on your victory.
What will you demand as a settlement?
 
 
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown
of all bee work camps.
 
 
Then we want back the honey
that was ours to begin with,
 
 
every last drop.
 
 
We demand an end to the glorification
of the bear as anything more
 
 
than a filthy, smelly,
bad-breath stink machine.
 
 
We're all aware
of what they do in the woods.
 
 
Wait for my signal.
 
 
Take him out.
 
 
He'll have nauseous
for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
 
 
And we will no longer tolerate
bee-negative nicknames...
 
 
But it's just a prance-about stage name!
 
 
...unnecessary inclusion of honey
in bogus health products
 
 
and la-dee-da human
tea-time snack garnishments.
 
 
Oan't breathe.
 
 
Bring it in, boys!
 
 
Hold it right there! Good.
 
 
Tap it.
 
 
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups,
and there's gallons more coming!
 
 
- I think we need to shut down!
- Shut down? We've never shut down.
 
 
Shut down honey production!
 
 
Stop making honey!
 
 
Turn your key, sir!
 
 
What do we do now?
 
 
Oannonball!
 
 
We're shutting honey production!
 
 
Mission abort.
 
 
Aborting pollination and nectar detail.
Returning to base.
 
 
Adam, you wouldn't believe
how much honey was out there.
 
 
Oh, yeah?
 
 
What's going on? Where is everybody?
 
 
- Are they out celebrating?
- They're home.
 
 
They don't know what to do.
Laying out, sleeping in.
 
 
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way
to San Antonio with a cricket.
 
 
At least we got our honey back.
 
 
Sometimes I think, so what if humans
liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
 
 
It's the greatest thing in the world!
I was excited to be part of making it.
 
 
This was my new desk. This was my
new job. I wanted to do it really well.
 
 
And now...
 
 
Now I can't.
 
 
I don't understand
why they're not happy.
 
 
I thought their lives would be better!
 
 
They're doing nothing. It's amazing.
Honey really changes people.
 
 
You don't have any idea
what's going on, do you?
 
 
- What did you want to show me?
- This.
 
 
What happened here?
 
 
That is not the half of it.
 
 
Oh, no. Oh, my.
 
 
They're all wilting.
 
 
Doesn't look very good, does it?
 
 
No.
 
 
And whose fault do you think that is?
 
 
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
 
 
Bees?
 
 
Specifically, me.
 
 
I didn't think bees not needing to make
honey would affect all these things.
 
 
It's notjust flowers.
Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
 
 
That's our whole SAT test right there.
 
 
Take away produce, that affects
the entire animal kingdom.
 
 
And then, of course...
 
 
The human species?
 
 
So if there's no more pollination,
 
 
it could all just go south here,
couldn't it?
 
 
I know this is also partly my fault.
 
 
How about a suicide pact?
 
 
How do we do it?
 
 
- I'll sting you, you step on me.
- Thatjust kills you twice.
 
 
Right, right.
 
 
Listen, Barry...
sorry, but I gotta get going.
 
 
I had to open my mouth and talk.
 
 
Vanessa?
 
 
Vanessa? Why are you leaving?
Where are you going?
 
 
To the final Tournament of Roses parade
in Pasadena.
 
 
They've moved it to this weekend
because all the flowers are dying.
 
 
It's the last chance
I'll ever have to see it.
 
 
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I never meant it to turn out like this.
 
 
I know. Me neither.
 
 
Tournament of Roses.
Roses can't do sports.
 
 
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
 
 
Roses!
 
 
Vanessa!
 
 
Roses?!
 
 
Barry?
 
 
- Roses are flowers!
- Yes, they are.
 
 
Flowers, bees, pollen!
 
 
I know.
That's why this is the last parade.
 
 
Maybe not.
Oould you ask him to slow down?
 
 
Oould you slow down?
 
 
Barry!
 
 
OK, I made a huge mistake.
This is a total disaster, all my fault.
 
 
Yes, it kind of is.
 
 
I've ruined the planet.
I wanted to help you
 
 
with the flower shop.
I've made it worse.
 
 
Actually, it's completely closed down.
 
 
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
 
 
But I have another idea, and it's
greater than my previous ideas combined.
 
 
I don't want to hear it!
 
 
All right, they have the roses,
the roses have the pollen.
 
 
I know every bee, plant
and flower bud in this park.
 
 
All we gotta do is get what they've got
back here with what we've got.
 
 
- Bees.
- Park.
 
 
- Pollen!
- Flowers.
 
 
- Repollination!
- Across the nation!
 
 
Tournament of Roses,
Pasadena, Oalifornia.
 
 
They've got nothing
but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
 
 
Security will be tight.
 
 
I have an idea.
 
 
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
 
 
Official floral business. It's real.
 
 
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.
 
 
Thank you. It was a gift.
 
 
Once inside,
we just pick the right float.
 
 
How about The Princess and the Pea?
 
 
I could be the princess,
and you could be the pea!
 
 
Yes, I got it.
 
 
- Where should I sit?
- What are you?
 
 
- I believe I'm the pea.
- The pea?
 
 
It goes under the mattresses.
 
 
- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart.
- I'm getting the marshal.
 
 
You do that!
This whole parade is a fiasco!
 
 
Let's see what this baby'll do.
 
 
Hey, what are you doing?!
 
 
Then all we do
is blend in with traffic...
 
 
...without arousing suspicion.
 
 
Once at the airport,
there's no stopping us.
 
 
Stop! Security.
 
 
- You and your insect pack your float?
- Yes.
 
 
Has it been
in your possession the entire time?
 
 
Would you remove your shoes?
 
 
- Remove your stinger.
- It's part of me.
 
 
I know. Just having some fun.
Enjoy your flight.
 
 
Then if we're lucky, we'll have
just enough pollen to do the job.
 
 
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We
have just enough pollen to do the job!
 
 
I think this is gonna work.
 
 
It's got to work.
 
 
Attention, passengers,
this is Oaptain Scott.
 
 
We have a bit of bad weather
in New York.
 
 
It looks like we'll experience
a couple hours delay.
 
 
Barry, these are cut flowers
with no water. They'll never make it.
 
 
I gotta get up there
and talk to them.
 
 
Be careful.
 
 
Oan I get help
with the Sky Mall magazine?
 
 
I'd like to order the talking
inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
 
 
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
 
 
- What'd you say, Hal?
- Nothing.
 
 
Bee!
 
 
Don't freak out! My entire species...
 
 
What are you doing?
 
 
- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney!
- Who's an attorney?
 
 
Don't move.
 
 
Oh, Barry.
 
 
Good afternoon, passengers.
This is your captain.
 
 
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B
please report to the cockpit?
 
 
And please hurry!
 
 
What happened here?
 
 
There was a DustBuster,
a toupee, a life raft exploded.
 
 
One's bald, one's in a boat,
they're both unconscious!
 
 
- Is that another bee joke?
- No!
 
 
No one's flying the plane!
 
 
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356.
What's your status?
 
 
This is Vanessa Bloome.
I'm a florist from New York.
 
 
Where's the pilot?
 
 
He's unconscious,
and so is the copilot.
 
 
Not good. Does anyone onboard
have flight experience?
 
 
As a matter of fact, there is.
 
 
- Who's that?
- Barry Benson.
 
 
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
 
 
Vanessa, this is nothing more
than a big metal bee.
 
 
It's got giant wings, huge engines.
 
 
I can't fly a plane.
 
 
- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot?
- Yes.
 
 
How hard could it be?
 
 
Wait, Barry!
We're headed into some lightning.
 
 
This is Bob Bumble. We have some
late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
 
 
where a suspenseful scene
is developing.
 
 
Barry Benson,
fresh from his legal victory...
 
 
That's Barry!
 
 
...is attempting to land a plane,
loaded with people, flowers
 
 
and an incapacitated flight crew.
 
 
Flowers?!
 
 
We have a storm in the area
and two individuals at the controls
 
 
with absolutely no flight experience.
 
 
Just a minute.
There's a bee on that plane.
 
 
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson
and his no-account compadres.
 
 
They've done enough damage.
 
 
But isn't he your only hope?
 
 
Technically, a bee
shouldn't be able to fly at all.
 
 
Their wings are too small...
 
 
Haven't we heard this a million times?
 
 
"The surface area of the wings
and body mass make no sense."
 
 
- Get this on the air!
- Got it.
 
 
- Stand by.
- We're going live.
 
 
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
 
 
Making honey takes a lot of bees
doing a lot of small jobs.
 
 
But let me tell you about a small job.
 
 
If you do it well,
it makes a big difference.
 
 
More than we realized.
To us, to everyone.
 
 
That's why I want to get bees
back to working together.
 
 
That's the bee way!
We're not made of Jell-O.
 
 
We get behind a fellow.
 
 
- Black and yellow!
- Hello!
 
 
Left, right, down, hover.
 
 
- Hover?
- Forget hover.
 
 
This isn't so hard.
Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
 
 
Barry, what happened?!
 
 
Wait, I think we were
on autopilot the whole time.
 
 
- That may have been helping me.
- And now we're not!
 
 
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
 
 
All of you, let's get
behind this fellow! Move it out!
 
 
Move out!
 
 
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do,
you copy me with the wings of the plane!
 
 
Don't have to yell.
 
 
I'm not yelling!
We're in a lot of trouble.
 
 
It's very hard to concentrate
with that panicky tone in your voice!
 
 
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!
 
 
I can't do this!
 
 
Vanessa, pull yourself together.
You have to snap out of it!
 
 
You snap out of it.
 
 
You snap out of it.
 
 
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
 
 
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
 
 
- You snap out of it!
- You snap out of it!
 
 
- Hold it!
- Why? Oome on, it's my turn.
 
 
How is the plane flying?
 
 
I don't know.
 
 
Hello?
 
 
Benson, got any flowers
for a happy occasion in there?
 
 
The Pollen Jocks!
 
 
They do get behind a fellow.
 
 
- Black and yellow.
- Hello.
 
 
All right, let's drop this tin can
on the blacktop.
 
 
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?
 
 
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.
 
 
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
 
 
- Thinking bee.
- Thinking bee.
 
 
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
 
 
Wait a minute.
I think I'm feeling something.
 
 
- What?
- I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.
 
 
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
 
 
Bring the nose down.
 
 
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
 
 
- What in the world is on the tarmac?
- Get some lights on that!
 
 
Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
 
 
- Vanessa, aim for the flower.
- OK.
 
 
Out the engines. We're going in
on bee power. Ready, boys?
 
 
Affirmative!
 
 
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.
 
 
Land on that flower!
 
 
Ready? Full reverse!
 
 
Spin it around!
 
 
- Not that flower! The other one!
- Which one?
 
 
- That flower.
- I'm aiming at the flower!
 
 
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt.
I mean the giant pulsating flower
 
 
made of millions of bees!
 
 
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
 
 
Rotate around it.
 
 
- This is insane, Barry!
- This's the only way I know how to fly.
 
 
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane
flying in an insect-like pattern?
 
 
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid.
Smell it. Full reverse!
 
 
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
 
 
Aim for the center!
 
 
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
 
 
Oome on, already.
 
 
Barry, we did it!
You taught me how to fly!
 
 
- Yes. No high-five!
- Right.
 
 
Barry, it worked!
Did you see the giant flower?
 
 
What giant flower? Where? Of course
I saw the flower! That was genius!
 
 
- Thank you.
- But we're not done yet.
 
 
Listen, everyone!
 
 
This runway is covered
with the last pollen
 
 
from the last flowers
available anywhere on Earth.
 
 
That means this is our last chance.
 
 
We're the only ones who make honey,
pollinate flowers and dress like this.
 
 
If we're gonna survive as a species,
this is our moment! What do you say?
 
 
Are we going to be bees, orjust
Museum of Natural History keychains?
 
 
We're bees!
 
 
Keychain!
 
 
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
 
 
Hold on, Barry. Here.
 
 
You've earned this.
 
 
Yeah!
 
 
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect
fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
 
 
Oh, yeah.
 
 
That's our Barry.
 
 
Mom! The bees are back!
 
 
If anybody needs
to make a call, now's the time.
 
 
I got a feeling we'll be
working late tonight!
 
 
Here's your change. Have a great
afternoon! Oan I help who's next?
 
 
Would you like some honey with that?
It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
 
 
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me.
And I don't see a nickel!
 
 
Sometimes I just feel
like a piece of meat!
 
 
I had no idea.
 
 
Barry, I'm sorry.
Have you got a moment?
 
 
Would you excuse me?
My mosquito associate will help you.
 
 
Sorry I'm late.
 
 
He's a lawyer too?
 
 
I was already a blood-sucking parasite.
All I needed was a briefcase.
 
 
Have a great afternoon!
 
 
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order,
and I can't get them anywhere.
 
 
No problem, Vannie.
Just leave it to me.
 
 
You're a lifesaver, Barry.
Oan I help who's next?
 
 
All right, scramble, jocks!
It's time to fly.
 
 
Thank you, Barry!
 
 
That bee is living my life!
 
 
Let it go, Kenny.
 
 
- When will this nightmare end?!
- Let it all go.
 
 
- Beautiful day to fly.
- Sure is.
 
 
Between you and me,
I was dying to get out of that office.
 
 
You have got
to start thinking bee, my friend.
 
 
- Thinking bee!
- Me?
 
 
Hold it. Let's just stop
for a second. Hold it.
 
 
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.
Oan we stop here?
 
 
I'm not making a major life decision
during a production number!
 
 
All right. Take ten, everybody.
Wrap it up, guys.
 
 
I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
 
Special thanks to SergeiK.

Revision as of 16:30, 10 May 2024

This topic was created by or has connections to Der 'Cord
Don't trust anything you see. Read every revision in the page's history to learn the truth.
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kuzzy kuz

Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov
Юрий Михайлович Кузнецов
Kuz in 2024
Administrator of Soyjak.Party
In office
Co-AdminMax
Preceded byDoll
Succeeded byMax
In office
ManagerDoll
Preceded bySoot
Succeeded byDoll
Personal details
Born
Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov

June 30, 1988 (age 35)
Bologoye, Omsk, Russian SFSR, USSR
Political partyKuzist
SpouseMasha Kuznetsova

(m. 2006; w. 2009)

Unknown

(m. 2011 d. 2014)

Natalia Kuznetsova

(m. 2021)
Children2, one adopted and one illegitimate[1]
Best known forKolymaNET Founder and Owner. Ownership of the 'party and many other sites
Tripcodekuz!netsovkMgo, kuz ## Admin
IAS?Varies. See: Yurijak variant
Websitethekuz.win


Kuz is an individual who served as the second administrator of Soyjak.party[2][3] between July 16th, 2022 and May 17th, 2023, and then briefly again from July 12th to July 18th of 2023. He has identified himself as a 35-year-old Russian-Cypriot[a] man named "Yuri Mikhailovich Kuznetsov"[b] , a purported media personality[4] and radio host. "Yuri Kuznetsov" is generally believed to not be a real person due to many parts of his backstory before 2019 having little to no proven evidence of actually happening, as well as other suspiciouly fake actions Kuz "partook" in. Yuri Kuznetsov is instead believed to be a fake persona. Despite this, the individual behind "Kuz" is still a real person who has been influencing imageboard politics since 2019. Kuz was the "Chairman"[5] of the Kolyma Network[6], a "Cyprus-based organization" (unofficial larping group) that dissolved in 2023 following kuz's "HIV/AIDs diagnosis".[7] The members of the Kolyma Network hosted several websites and imageboards, and Kuz's penchant for buying websites drew attention to his activities.

Kuz is regarded as one of the most significant figures in /qa/ and Soyjak.party history. On July 16th, 2022, Kuz became the administrator of Soyjak.party after the site's founder and first administrator, Soot, agreed to sell it to him for $2,000, concluding the Second Soyvil War. Kuz ruled the site for almost a year before resigning on May 17th, 2023.[8] As admin of the sharty, Kuz "propelled" the site from a regional novelty, to a veritable phenomenon in the imageboard world, and the site experienced peak usage under his administration.[9] Throughout 2022, he frequently made radical changes to the site, often receiving mixed or negative reactions from critics and users alike.[10] Following a "medical diagnosis" wherein Kuz "discovered his long-untreated HIV infection had progressed to full blown AIDs", Kuz temporarily stepped down, giving his position to Doll. An ill-fated return was planned by Kuz's "manager", Anton Maximov, but kuz backed out of this plan, and on July 18th, 2023, it was announced that Kuz was retiring from his career altogether, in a series of final public appearances, question sessions, and ceremonies titled "This Is It"[11][12]

The following is some alleged controversy Kuz had: "Starting in 2020, kuz became a figure of constant controversy and speculation (dubbed Kuz-mania) due to his attempts at changing his identity, speculation about his appearance, online behavior, speculated homosexuality, and lifestyle.[13] In August of 2022, anger and confusion began to arise about an alleged romantic relationship with an underage, male, moderator of the site and member of the KolymaNET youth league.[14] In December, 2022, he was accused of sexually abusing a 14 year old boy in Russia.[15] The lawsuit was settled with an out of court settlement in in June, 2023.[16] His addiction to prescription drugs, mood swings, and contradicting statements issued by his estate lead to a near constant state of drama on his sites.[17]"

"Personal Life"

This is the official kuzist narrative. If you want to add info about Kuz's true identity, go to Kuz's Identity


Kuz was born in 1988 in Omsk, Russia, to a poor family, on the outskirts of a village, several miles from the Kazakh border.[18][19] Kuz is married,[20] He lives in Memphis after allegedly fleeing the Russian Federation for tax evasion.[21][22]

Kuz's career on the internet began in 2005, with the release of the extremely popular "9channel", a Russian textboard forum which he claims was the first of its kind in Russia. Since then, kuz has made, renewed, or bought dozens of other websites.

9channel grew but never became particularly active, although Kuz likes to pretend it was "the biggest anonymous website in Russia", though this is very easily disproven. The website was widely known to be only a hotbed for the sharing of illegal material, pirated movies, and "crime announcements", or posts announcing or displaying small crimes (like vandalism) anonymously. The latter became such a problem that it was specifically written into the Kolyma Networks rules that "crime announcements" were banned, although this did little to curb the problem. The website was shut down in 2017 along with most of Kuz's websites.[23][24][25]

Proof of the existence of 9channel is scarce as users of the website were generally rather secretive. There are no public archives, as kuz refuses to release any, and the site also is not on archive.org or archive.is because it was tor-only.[26] There is however a "Devyach" (9ch in Russian) twitter account which contains a tor link and was created in 2009.[27] This is very likely the real 9channel as it cites its location as Omsk, Russia, and contains a common 9ch slogan in the description.[28]

Kuz in army uniform.

In 2008, Kuz contracted HIV from a prostitute in Poland.[29] However, some anonymous truthers suggest he actually contracted it from being brutally raped in the Russian military, which is a common occurrence.[30]

In 2023, questions were posed by many about kuz's mental state and whether he was still acting alone. Consistently slurred speech, an addiction to various amphetamines, and general sickliness, likely compounded by a lifelong struggle with HIV/AIDs, caused many to doubt the validity of the statements issued by KolymaNET about Kuz's "Excellent health".[31][32][33]

"Marriages"

Kuz has been married 3 times.[34] His first marriage, to 16 year old[35] Masha Alekseevna, ended in her death at the age of 19 in a farming equipment accident.[36][37] Kuz has divulged only a small amount of information about this event, what little is known is from unsourced, anonymous authors. The only verified piece of information about her is from a post kuz made to a private noticeboard sometime in 2020.[38]

His 2nd marriage, which lasted for an even smaller amount of time, is believed to have been for business reasons. Kuz divorced the woman, sometimes known as "the woman from smolensk", in 2014.[39]

Kuz's married his third wife on August 20th, 2021[40]. 22 year old "Nedelya Kuznetsov"[41]. Little is known about her, except that she is also a high ranking KolymaNET employee, who's email was leaked during the Second Soyvil War, and spammed with lemonjaks.[42] This appears to be a marriage of love, as kuz often writes about her on his blog.[43] Kuz has said she has "green eyes", which he apparently finds very attractive.[44] She has made no public appearances.

"Affair with Sobot"

Main Article: Sobot

Sobot (real name unknown) is a 16 year old Polish-Argentinian boy 6'4 Black man(?) and member of the Kolsyetmol (Kolyma Youth Leage), best known for an alleged extra-marital affair with kuz. Kuz befriended sometime before purchasing the sharty, and Sobot became a mod after the great purchase. There has been intense speculation about their relationship, with many, including kuz and sobot themselves, saying that it is not romantic or sexual. Regardless, rumors persist, and many believe Sobot is still in a relationship with kuz.[45] Prior to March 4th, 2022, it was widely believed Dobot possessed a very feminine, young, appearance, however, his identity was called into question when some pictures of him turned out to be fakes. The following day, pictures of a tall black man claiming to be sobot were posted, and an "Unknown Source from Memphis Tennessee" (Kuz or someone in his entourage) purported that this was the real Sobot.[46] This only ignited further jokes about Kuz and Sobot's relationship, with many joking that Kuz really has a racefetish.

"Affair with Cvnka"

Read more: Kuz - Heyuri Wiki Cvnka is a Russian-American vtuber[47] who's gimmick is lovecraftian/eldritch horror. Kuz was apparently a fan of her and rumors of supposed interactions between the two are circulated but suppressed quickly on 9channel and other sites.

Several posts made their way to the western internet, which were rehashed by kuz's detractors, including "faganon", a heyuri user, who extensively documented their supposed interactions, suggesting they first met in 2015, which kuz claims is impossible.[48] Regardless of the validity, they have apparently interacted, as several screenshots of supposed conversations between them exist and occasionally make their rounds on websites where kuz's sexual interactions are commonly discussed (such as 9ch, soyjak.party). A megathread was held on 3chan about the topic but no conclusion was reached.

"Rumors of death"

On September 29th, numerous[49][50][51][52] threads were created purporting a fictitious[53] rumor that Kuz had died. The rumors were so prolific, that several soyteens became distraught[54], believing it to be true, and many fake screenshots appeared.[55]

September 29th, 2022, 5:49PM Kratovka Regional Hospital, Omsk, Russia. The man with just 3 hours to live lies asleep in a hospital bed. Kuznetsov was once a strong man, at 6'0, he possessed a moderate, though not muscular build, and commanded a smooth, baritone voice which spurred compliance and attention. Now, at the age of just 34, the diseases which ravage his body barely allow him to utter childlike whispers, his thick country accent making him almost impossible to understand. The black rings around his eyes and his shallow, sunken face accentuate his gaunt appearance, and the aids-induced tremors prevent him from performing even the simplest of day to day tasks. He spends most of his time sleeping, surrounded by his security team and his 22 year old Wife, Nedelya Kuznetsov.

He eventually succumbs to his ailments. At 8:46 PM, with his wife and his secretary by his side, Yuri Kuznetsov, the legendary Russian who forever changed the face of Soyjakking, dies. He is just 34 years old.

- Anonymous Truther, citing his experiences as kuz's personal doctor.


"Name and Citizenship change"

On October 1st, kuz announced via telegram that he had attempted to change his legal name to "Temujin" and applied for Turkish citizenship.[56] During the second SOTS livestream, Kuz revealed that the official name change never came to fruition. This sparked discussion and mockery.

"Cyprus"

On September 1st, 2022, kuz departed for Turkish Cyprus until December, giving the site to 3 anonymous moderators during his absence. Though he returned early due to violent political turbulence on the sharty. kuz later moved to Cyprus as his permanent residence, and applied for Turkish Cypriot citizenship. Kuz runs several Turkish websites, where he is often referred to affectionately as "kuzu" (Turkish: The Lamb).[57]

"Religious and political opinions"

Kuz's political opinions seem to change to fit whatever is currently best for him at the moment, although he did once condemn conflict in ukraine, writing a lengthy blogpost on why it was bad from a moral standpoint.

"The estimated toll of all the deaths caused by the Conflict in Ukraine is 33,000. Both civilians and soldiers. When the media reports on these numbers, they will simply leave it at that, but the actual price of that number is immeasurably greater." " [... ]This is why I will never support conflict in Ukraine or elsewhere."[58]

During his rare live appearances, he has revealed little about his personal political beliefs, preffering to "keep it to himself". Although he says he is not racist, or a nationalist.

Kuz requests that Allah blesses the sharty

"Conversion to Islam"

In December of 2022 and January of 2023, questions were asked about kuz's apparent conversion to Islam. Starting with a telegram post on December 26th that simply read, "is islam the way?"[59] followed 5 days later on new years eve by a celebratory post, wherein kuz concluded the message with a request for Allah to bless his users, suffixed with a honoric muslim phrase (Subhanahu wa ta'ala).[60]

"Source of wealth"

Kuz's net worth is about 108M rubles, or roughly 1.4 Million dollars. He regularly drops large amounts of money on websites he likes in attempts to buy them. Offering "2k for the sharty" at one point. He also bought a website called Vidlii, for an undisclosed number, allgedly about 5,000. In 2021 he bought Gurochan, and has offered thousands for other imageboard websites[61] His company, KolymaNET, is also the largest internet provider in Omsk, and kuz owns several datacenters in Russia and Turkey.[62]

Some speculate most of his money was gained through an illicit exit scam,[63] but the source of his money is unknown. He has said on a few occasions that it was from "smart investments" and "good luck"

"Health problems and disappearances"

Kuz has taken multiple "Extended vacations" and other long breaks since he became Admin of the site. Although once renowned for his highly energetic, provocative, and rowsing behavior, as he approached the end months of 2022, his physical and mental health, and appearances in public all began to decline, with many speculating kuz was on drugs or being forced to work against his will.[64] By new years 2023, mere weeks after his final Q&A ("17 December Kuzstream"), kuz had stopped public appearances altogether.

Whether this was an official absence/break or an unplanned hiatus due to his health problems was never revealed to the public. A second interview on the turkish website "Kereste" near new years marked his final official public appearance before kuz became severely ill and was hospitalized.[65] kuz made an impromptu visit to a large thread exposing the crimes of some discords, where he spoke out against the ongoing pedophilia issue on the sharty even though he is a gay pedophile, himself and its many adjacent communities in March.[66]

Sadly, this marked the final time kuz would appear in public. A scheduled live appearance on April 11th failed to occur, and was later cancelled, with a message pinned to the board saying "Kuz's appearance was cancelled".[67] No explanation was provided. A few weeks later, sharty moderator (at the time) and long time personal friend of kuz, sobot, announced that he would be being temporary replaced by the manager of the sharty, Doll.[68]

A redacted message that Anton Maximov sent to Doll.

"Kuz's HIV transitions into AIDS"

In Mid-May 2023, Kuz departed for Cuba. The reason for the trip, at the time, was shrouded in mystery, with some theorizing that it had to do something with medical reasons. On May 17, 2023, NSS director Anton Maximov elaborated elaborated on the reason for Kuz's trip to Cuba: Having to see doctors in order to help treat his HIV. This followed other trips within the US and Mexico. He, however, reassured people that kuz is in a stable condition. Maximov also noted that soyjak.party was affecting Kuz's mental health, with Kuz telling doll "This is the second thing that has made me reconsider my career, the amount of time it consumes, the stress it causes [...], and the limited time I have left on this Earth and how I wish to spend it." The 'party's ownership was then transferred to Doll.[69]

"Speculation about sexuality"

Kuz's sexuality is often discussed on the site, as his behavior has lead many to believe he may be a homosexual. During a data leak 'teens found IP addresses that were speculated to belong to Kuz that made various homosexual posts and threads on the sharty.[70][71]

Relationship with /qa/

Kuz on /qa/ in 2020 (pre sharty): https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3421515/#3421776

/qa/ doxes kuz in 2020. (still pre sharty): https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885/#q3505885 https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885/#q3505949

https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/address/2190-ellington-way_knoxville-tn-37932

Relationship with Soyjak.party

Kuz is best known for being the owner of the site and its most famous user, and during his early days, being at the center of controversy on the site.[72]

Contributions

Kuz was the originator of multiple trends on the Party. Critics allege that these contributions are part of a coordinated effort to mentally manipulate and demoralise the party's userbase in preparation of a possible takeover; however, as of the time of writing, historic analysis on the authenticity of these trends has yet to be carried out.

Kuz lone-raiding #4chan in october of 2020, using "soyspeak".

Early soyjak-related activity

Kuz's first publicly recorded soyduel was in September of 2020.[73] Back then, he had a habit of using what he named "soyspeak" as a way of antagonizing 4chan users.

Attempted purchase

On January 25, Kuz leaked emails between him and soot wherein soot offered to sell the 'party to kuz.[74] However, this thread turned out to be a troll. Soot did actually try to sell the site to kuz[74], but after things cleared up in his personal life and he changed his mind, with kuz apparently making this thread just for some (You)'s after he knew the deal fell through.

The deal was for 600$ in bitcoin in return for ownership of soyjak.party and a backup of the site on the day of the transfer, effectively giving kuz complete control over the site.

Kuz later made another thread criticizing soot for being rude to him, soot apologized but said that Kuz's response to the failed deal was "immature"[75].

Amongst the leaked emails were multiple emails to soot which soot answered that contained requests for IP's of posters on the 'party, as well as requests for thread deletions for 'legal issues'. Whether soot accepted these requests is unknown.

Luckily, soot realized the error of his ways, and never again made such a foolish mistake.

Purchase

Main article: The Great Purchase

On July 16th, kuz announced that he had contacted soot and offered to buy the 'party for $2,000, which soot accepted, and on July 17th, granted kuz ownership of the site and the booru in exchange for the money. The reactions to this news are mostly positive but there has also been prominent criticism from vocal anti-kuz groups within the site. Kuz has done little in line of censoring this discussion, to the surprise of some 'teens

A thread made on August 30th, 2022 - "a quilt for kuz", garnered almost 400 replies in an hour.

Under kuz's ownership the 'party has seen a variety of changes. Kuz stickied a Jakbox thread after a moratorium on such threads had existed under soot, reviving the genre into its likely all time peak. In addition to this, multiple Q&A threads were posted over the next few days where kuz discussed the sites needs. He ultimately decided on several new rules, such as banning BBC cobson spam, several board deletions, and new moderation staff, whom he says will be watched closely.

Kuz lightened policies on some types of nas

Changes during his Administration

Main Article: Soyjak.party/History

State of the Sharty livestream

Main article: SOTS Transcript

On August 24th, at 8PM EST, a mod announced kuz had returned from his trip and would be making a live appearance, the first one since 2019 according to kuz.[76] The thread was met with excitement. At 8PM, kuz, as fortold, arrived on time. A sticky was made on soy which surpassed 1000 replies in about an hour.[77] Kuz answered questions for roughly the same amount of time. Though not much relating to the sharty itself was discussed, the stream provided some key insights into kuz and his plans for the site at the time. Notably, a plan to "step away" from the internet until Christmas. He also discussed a photoshoot at the bequest of some posters in the thread.

The stream, albeit abbreviated, received substantial attention despite being sudden and unplanned, with about 298 concurrent viewers at its peak.

On December 17, Kuz did another livestream, which was entitled "KUZSTREAM 2." This livestream was a bit higher profile due to Kuz's possible acquisition of 4chan, which Kuz said was still in the early phases, if it was to even happen. Kuz also announced that he was finalizing acquiring two other sites, which he did not name. Kuz also addressed some of the recent changes to the 'party, such as jump.kolyma.net links and the new report feature.[78]

Selam from Lefkosia

On September 17th, kuz made his first appearance since leaving, making 3 posts in a failGET thread.[79]

Disillusionment

On September 15th, a user from /suggest/ offered kuz $4,500 for the site. But later, upped his bid to $50,000 after users told him 4.5k was nothing to kuz.[80] While kuz never publicly responded to the offer, the Chud told the users he had correspondence with Kolyma employees, however, nothing ever came of it.[81]

However it seems the offer still made it to kuz's desk, as during a rare email response, kuz told one fan that he was "disappointed" in how the site viewed him and doesn't think its enjoyable to run it. The user posted this email to the boards and the thread quickly ballooned with speculation.

In addition to this, kuz's final posts before his 5 month departure were angry complaints at how difficult it was to please soyteens. Kuz also seems to have adopted a cynical view of moderating the site, "no matter what I do, someone will complain", leading to moderation being somewhat incosistent and kuz's growing irritation with the userbase, leading to him handing it off to a Manager and refusing public comments.

Despite appearing frequently in public beforehand, such as to show off his cars, what he was eating, and to greet people in certain threads, after 2022, which proved to be a harrowing year for him, kuz has scantly been seen in public. Appearing during 2 brief Q&As on the turkish website "Kereste".[82] and a second livestream (The December 17th kuzstream).[1]

Kuz's disillusionment with the Sharty was confirmed in a recent Telegram post he made, where he denounces the Sharty and its userbase. [83]

Retirement

On the 17th of April 2023, it is announced that Kuz has left for an unknown period of time with Doll, the site's manager, being instated as temporary admin.[84] With the development of his HIV into AIDS Kuz decided to transfer the full ownership of the Sharty to Doll on the 17th of May. In a message to Doll he wrote "This is the second thing that has made me reconsider my career, the amount of time it consumes, the stress it causes [...], and the limited time I have left on this Earth and how I wish to spend it".[85]

The Sharty remained under Doll's ownership for the next two months. Kuz remained a public figure and sporadically put out statements where he reflects on different things such as the internet and his role in it.[86] On June 4, 2023, the Kolyma Network publicly announced its dissolution.

On July 12th, 2023 Doll surprisingly stepped down as Administrator, with Kuz once again taking over the Sharty alongside Max. Though this administrative tenure didn't last long, as it was revealed that Kuz had transferred ownership of the party to Max as part of the dissolution of the Kolyma Network, who was now planning to sell it to the highest bidder. Furthermore Kuz was behaving more and more erratically, publicly banning Soylita posters, announcing that Soylita is now banned and posting schizophrenic babble such as "This site is filled with disgusting terrible pedophiles who accuse other people to cover their cirmes [sic]. KIKES LIE ABOUT ME so about many people lied about me and take everything i have.".[87] In order to keep the site safe Max disabled Kuz's administrator account.[88]

The auction ends on July 19th with Doll as the winner. A farewell note is posted on kolyma.net, stating that Kuz will retire from all public duties after some final well-wishes and goodbyes.[89] Kuz hosts a final Q&A on the Sharty before leaving for good.[90]

On the 17th of September, the Dailyjak posted what purportedly were the comments of Kuz on Froot.

"Terrible people. Absolutely terrible how they are running things. Never seen someone as incompitent. Terrible what they have done to that site. The polls show they want me back. Look at the new guy, let's call him 1 percenter because thats what he has in the polls. And they want me back, yeah. Is it 60%? 70%? [Reffering to seperate poll] They messed up. They hate that guy"[91] See the Dailyjak article for more.

Kuzjak/Yurijak

Kuzjak/Yurijak

Soyjak variant
OriginUnknown, almost certainly on soyjak.party
Booru Posts 578 As of October 27th, 2023
Traced FromKuz
Subvariants Commiepedotroon

The Yurijak variant (also known as Carterjak on the 'ru) is a widely used soyjak variant originally depicting Kuz, but it has began to be used to depict Russians in general. An edit was made of this 'riant in a KGB uniform that has since become more popular than the original edit to depict Kuz.

This variant was created by The Swede who is well known for creating the first Soyjak, Impjak, and many other soy boy wojack variants.

Relationship with other websites

Despite widespread hatred on sites like 4chan and kissu, Kuz has a massive base of supporters in Russia[92], specifically on websites associated with him, such as Heyuri[93], 9channel[94], Vidlii[95], and the Kolyma Network. He is also well known on 2chan and 1chan.

Heyuri

A small imageboard made by Lolico, which has a tight-knit community and an old-internet feel. Was acquired by Kuz in 2020, but later given to Kaguya in 2022. Kuz's favorite website, according to himself[it just is, ok?]. His supporters there number about a dozen, because the site is incredibly small. It was raided and wiped by Froot in April 2024.

Devyach (9channel)

The first website Kuz ever made, all the way back in 2005. Not much is known about the website. User estimations range from 1,500 to 20,000, with Kuz claiming over 1,000,000 users. Regardless, it was significantly more active than Heyuri, likely equal in size to or larger then the 'party itself during its hayday in the early 2010s. However Kuz was forced to shut it down in 2017, after the Russian government seized the domain.[96]

His popularity there is massive, with several "9channel" discord servers popping up during and after the 2017 collapse, which Kuz sometimes visited or even owned, where he would nearly always be met with praise.

In January of 2013, 9channel users attempted to rig a public vote for the name of a new Coal Power Plant (how apt), proposing it be named the "Y. M. Kuznetsov Power Production Plant", however the vote was cancelled. This later became a meme on 9channel.[97]

A remake of Devyach was later created by kuz in 2021 and revived in 2023.

VidLii

In February of 2022, Kuz and Lolwut bought VidLii.com, a German video sharing website. The site was in complete disrepair and was about to be shut down when Kuz bought it, removed the ads, increased video quality, and opened up user registration. He was met with praise[95] and some minor controversy.[98] VidLii was later given[When?] to Lolwut, although the site is still closely associated with Kolyma.

Kuz also bought BitView along with the deal, but that was also given to Lolwut and later sold to sks2002 and HWD.[99]

Kissu

Kissu is an american /qa/-based imageboard, of which Kuz was formerly a part of. Kissu and Kolyma had a brief war where cp spam was exchanged before both sides banned mention of eachother.

The war was very unpopular in Kolyma since many Heyuri users enjoyed kissu's content, but Kuz reiterated his "pro war" stance and the sites name was banned and its Owner (Kai Nicoll Griffith) added to a list of "Enemies of Kolyma" in September of 2021.[100]

4chan

After announcing a possible acquisition of 4chan, discussion of Kuz blew up on more meta portions of the website. Despite this, 4chan users generally dislike Kuz. On the other hand, 'party users deeply support Kuz's potential purchase in the hope that /qa/ will finally be restored and /lgbt/ will be deleted.[101][102]

Controversies

Accusations of race erasure

Kuz voices his opinion on the war

"Race Erasure" is defined as the act of deliberately obscuring or hiding ones true ethnicity or nationality. Kuz has been accused multiple times of trying to distance himself from Russia and his past in the country. This may be rooted in the fact that Russian companies are often boycotted, sanctioned, or attacked. This has already happened to kuz several times.[103] Ironically, the protests often cite the ongoing Russo-Ukranian War as the source of their anger, despite kuz's objection to the war.[104]

Kuz often refuses to speak Russian in public, and stopped new Russian registrations to KolymaNET after the outbreak of the war. His 2022 attempt at changing his name to "Temujin"[105], a mongol name of turkic origin caused a flurry of questioning about his intentions. This coincides with statements he has made, questioning his Russian identity, and suggesting that, because he was born near Kazakhstan, he is more "Turkic" than Russian. At other points in time, kuz has voiced negative opinions about the Russian Government and Vladimir Putin.[106]

"I like russias people, i [like] kazaqstan" [sic]

Some insight was gained into kuz's thoughts on Russia during a rare interview Q&A on the Turkish imageboard "Kereste".[107]

Datamining

Kuz leaking the IP of a user who criticized him.

Kuz, or at least his company, is public about his datamining initiatives. His company's protection service, the NSS, openly admits on their site that their goal is to:

The NSS is tasked with a variety of tasks, such as monitoring dangerous users, cooperating with the surveillance office to collect and catalog information on certain users, remove internal and external threats, and ensure the social integrity of the whole of the Kolyma Network.

The Network Security Service has been involved in a number of scandals and blackmailings, as well as false flag operation, psyops, and even assasinations (seriously).[108]

Kuz was involved in the creation of a bitcoin trading platform which mysteriously disappeared in 2018, causing about 250,000$ in bitcoin to be "lost". According to kuz, his partner "Vass Boldizar" took the servers with him, left and was never seen again.[109]

Other

Kuz fled Russia in 2014 for tax evasion.[110]

On January 26, chuds called out for Kuz's websites to be DDOS'd. Minutes later, the 'party started issuing "DDoS attack warnings" and forcing users to click verify (dox themselves to the NSS) before they could post. Kuz also once hacked the imageboard of one of his rivals and made it redirect to an expose.[111]

Kuz’s favorite songs are Elvis Presley - Thrill Of Your Love and Purple Rain.

Assassination of soot

"Guess I got what I deserve"

Some Anonymous truthlers have theorized that Kuz could've possibly been behind Soot's disappearance, as he would directly benefit from his death. We now know that Soot was close friends with Kuz to the point of including this friend in his will, leaving Kuz as the sole heir to the sharty. Maybe Kuz took advantage of this, even if he didn't, it's still suspicious how all posts mentioning this have been deleted in less than 5 seconds and the poor posters permabanned and reported to their local authorities for possession of child pornography (which was planted on their computers using a virus that is installed on your computer the first time you open the nu-sharty)

Identity questions

Main Article: Kuz's Identity

Shortly after Kuz's acquisition of the sharty, dataminers used reverse search technology to find Kuz's private social media. Leading him to private and unprivate them several times over the next few days, as well as heavily censor discussion of them. Interestingly, these accounts were made under the name "Eduardo", leading some to believe that kuz's real name is actually eduardo or that kuz is simply hiding is true identity and "Eduardo" is a stunt double.

Its speculated by some that Eduardo is actually an IRL friend of kuz that he uses as his body double for IRL photos so doxing niggers don't sneed him.

While the yurijak is the most common depiction of kuz on the 'party, other sites use other depictions. Pictured: kuz as a tranime character, based off of W.T. Snacks

During both of kuz's 2 Q&A's, many users have speculated heavily about his english accent, which doesn't sound Russian. Some users suggested that kuz was actually an American citizen, however, the truth is, as explained by kuz in a turkish interview, that kuz was taught English as a second language in school, and became familiar with the language because of his constant proximity to it, working on the internet.[112]

During a recent thread on /q/, Froot has stated that Kuz is not a RuZZian bbc slut,(even doe we all already knew that) but in fact a pedophile from Florida named Carter. more to be added soon because im a selfish little fuck![113]

Abuse Allegations

Kuz has been accused of sexual abuse multiple times. In one case, he opted for an out-of-court settlement rather than going to court in Russia.[114] Many 'teens speculate, that this settlement is the reason why Kuz ultimately had to dissolve the Kolyma Network in order to pay his debts.

On August 20, Max made a post on Devyach titled "What happened to kuz" in which he elaborated on the allegations.[115] According to the post, three separate allegations of sexual abuse were raised against Kuz. One boy accused Kuz of befriending him and later kissing, masturbating and molesting him while he slept over the course of a year and a half while he was 13 years old. Kuz was found not guilty in a trial on two of the allegations. The third allegation was settled out of court on the advice of his counsel.

He just can't resist those little boys

In popular culture

Kuz is relatively famous within Russia and to a lesser degree, in the west. He has appeared on TV and Radio several times, mostly for interviews. According to the official kuz website, he was briefly a Radio announcer. Bibanon and the old 9ch wiki also report that kuz appeared on TV several times.

Media

Kuz has appeared in several video games, flashes, and interactive programs. [116][117] Many of which are unrelated to the 'party[118][119]

Links about Kuz

Kuz's links

See also in this wiki

Notes

  1. Kuznetsov is ethnically Russian, but a citizen of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
  2. Russian: Юрий Михайлович Кузнецов Transliterated: Jurij Mihajlovič Kuznecov IPA: [ˈjʉrʲɪj mʲɪˈxajɫəvʲɪt͡ɕ kʊzʲnʲɪˈt͡sof]

Citations

  1. https://archive.li/TAwFf#4073528
  2. https://t.me/dailyjak/241 (archived)
  3. https://t.me/KUZNETSOV_kn/64 (archived)
  4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBHMzvaS-Eo Dolls words
  5. Note: This is an old soviet term used to refer to the clerical administrator, however, since the days of stalin, it often just refers to the head of a political organization
  6. https://www.kolyma.org/about (archived)
  7. https://t.me/kuztracker/51
  8. https://t.me/KUZNETSOV_kn/64 (archived)
  9. will add the source when logwarehouse comes back up
  10. He just is okay. This is what everyone remembers him for or something
  11. https://t.me/kuztracker/50 (archived)
  12. https://t.me/kuztalk/99 (archived)
  13. Surrounded by speculation virtually his entire life, it is amazing that there is still so much that the public does not know about him, and may never know. (archived)
  14. Sobot
  15. https://www.kolyma.net/this-is-it/max-statement (archived)
  16. https://t.me/kuztracker/47 (archived)
  17. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1183553
  18. https://archive.fo/QWh0b
  19. http://okato-kod.ru/55024000006.html
  20. https://kuz.lol
  21. https://archive.fo/QWh0b
  22. https://archive.fo/QWh0b
  23. https://archive.fo/QWh0b
  24. https://kolyma.org/about
  25. https://devyach.net/9ch.html
  26. Please replace this citation with one from one of kuz's sites. He has said this multiple times but i cant find it
  27. https://twitter.com/devyach
  28. https://twitter.com/devyach
  29. https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-131.312-131.424
  30. https://www.themoscowtimes.com/2020/02/17/decade-after-military-reform-hazing-plagues-russian-army-a69309 (archived)
  31. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2948024
  32. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2811133#p2811292
  33. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2806510
  34. I am aware that this isnt exactly a reputable source, but this isnt disputed by kuz or any kolyma sources.
  35. https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-45.274-45.342
  36. See: quote below
  37. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1462617
  38. https://sp.logwarehouse.net/src/443719-1.png
  39. >Have you remarried? is she of age...? Yes, she is kind woman from smolensk. We are married in august now. — 9channel Post on /en/ (citing bibanon)
  40. [..] in 2021, I married, which gave me peace from my restlessness - kuz on his website (archived)
  41. Moldovan spelling of "Natalia", a Russian name. The names are used interchangeably in official documents.
  42. Soyvil War 2
  43. https://www.temucin.ru/writings/ (archived)
  44. https://www.temucin.ru/blog/divinity-in-eyes (archived)
  45. sobots article
  46. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2467381#p2467443
  47. RU/EN
  48. https://archive.ph/EFHji#selection-273.0-317.28
  49. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187661
  50. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187644
  51. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187607
  52. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187599
  53. Judging by recent events, it can be concluded kuz has not yet died.
  54. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/1187704#p1187782
  55. https://sp.logwarehouse.net/src/156163.png
  56. https://t.me/kuztalk/11 (archived)
  57. https://kereste.moe/ (archived)
  58. https://t.me/kuz_channel/46
  59. https://t.me/kuztalk/65 (archived)
  60. https://t.me/kuztalk/68 (archived)
  61. Various self-leaked emails over the years. Unknown how many of these offers were serious but at least 2 (Sharty and lainchan) actually began before the admins changed their mind.
  62. "[...] We also offer colocation and DDOS protection from our datacenters in Russia, Turkey, and USA." - kolyma.org frontpage
  63. The Rychuvak Scandal (see below)
  64. After his england trip, kuz had reported he was "feeling unwell". Corroborated reports of slurred speech, slow descision making, and sluggishness followed.
  65. https://t.me/kolymanss/3
  66. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2695467#p2696044
  67. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2806291#p2806291
  68. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2888311
  69. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/3221285
  70. https://kiwifarms.st/threads/soyjak-party-the-sharty.145349/post-16327227
  71. https://kiwifarms.st/threads/soyjak-party-the-sharty.145349/post-16327379
  72. Schizophrenia
  73. https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/3505885
  74. 74.0 74.1 https://archive.fo/HSper
  75. https://archive.fo/BngLW
  76. https://web.archive.org/web/20220824231841/https://soyjak.party/suggest//res/506.html
  77. https://archive.ph/UBmq2
  78. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkpXI0a5eNI
  79. https://archive.ph/zmFM9#1111563
  80. https://archive.ph/v9ufe
  81. https://archive.ph/v9ufe#4609
  82. https://archive.ph/DcSix
  83. https://telegra.ph/On-the-internet-and-other-things-06-10 (archived)
  84. https://archive.soyjaks.party/read.cgi/soy/2888311 (archived)
  85. https://archive.soyjaks.party/read.cgi/soy/3221285 (archived)
  86. https://web.archive.org/web/20230610202526/https://telegra.ph/On-the-internet-and-other-things-06-10
  87. https://archive.ph/7f9a7#3938264
  88. https://archive.ph/XYUpp#3938389
  89. https://archive.ph/VMFcK
  90. https://archive.ph/TAwFf
  91. http://web.archive.org/web/20230917094946/https://soyjaks.party/soy/thread/4717061.html
  92. Kuz once ended an announcement on "Devyach" (9ch) with "A message to my 50,000,000 fans around the world"
  93. any thread that mentions him is generally positive
  94. https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/ (archived)
  95. 95.0 95.1 https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=gKRB3I5rBLG see: the comments (archived)
  96. https://web.archive.org/web/20201207014753/https://www.9chan.moe/
  97. https://disco.devyach.net/apiru/koko.php?res=6578 (archived)
  98. https://live.kolyma.org/newsplus/koko.php?res=182 (archived)
  99. https://altipedia.fandom.com/wiki/File:Screenshot_138.png
  100. nss.kolyma.org/dangerous-websites/kissu (archived)
  101. https://desuarchive.org/qa/thread/5368163/
  102. https://sp.logwarehouse.net/search/soy/?postno=&subject=&username=&tripcode=&body=buy+4chan&submit=Search
  103. https://archive.chud.site/soy/thread/2214022
  104. ukraine war section on this page
  105. https://t.me/kuztalk/11 (archived)
  106. https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127565
  107. "Lets talk with kuzu" https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127518
  108. Kuz has repeatedly threatened to have people who crossed him "handled" and says he can "have anyone anywhere delt with within 24 hours"
  109. https://archive.fo/QWh0b#selection-123.0-151.460
  110. https://uyk2021.github.io (archived)
  111. https://archive.fo/HGJlw (Look at the "redirected from" part)
  112. https://web.archive.org/web/20230218123607/https://kereste.moe/b/res/127454.html#127618
  113. https://archive.is/FDFsZ
  114. https://t.me/kuztracker/47 (archived)
  115. https://archive.ph/t8z8p
  116. https://archive.ph/2hClT
  117. https://anusflaps.itch.io/bruh21
  118. https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=GcuSUpusj3a
  119. https://www.vidlii.com/watch?v=tupM0Vfq17F
Kuzjak is part of a series on
Soyjak variants
Main variants [-+]

Variants with over 1,000 Booru posts

Classic SoyjakA24 Slow-Burn SoyjakGapejakMarkiplier SoyjakBerndFeraljakCobsonImpish Soyak EarsChudjak

Other variants [-+]
Subvariants [-+]
Soyjak trends [-+]
By artform [-+]
NAS [-+]

Main article: NAS

WojakNon-Wojak SoysWikipe-tanSoytanNPCGigachadPepeSidsonSoySubaChadjakPissluffareSoylitaPoopyPoopson

Kuz
is part of a series on
the coal that is killing /soy/
Sources [-+]
Symptoms [-+]
Treatment [-+]
Kuz
is part of a series on
Kuz
"Faggots of the world, unite!"
Related Figures and Entities [-+]
Impact on the Sharty [-+]
Anti-Kuz Figures and Evidence [-+]
Major events [-+]
>This page hasn't been edited in over 2 months I am a Loyal Kuzist Kolyma Won Anything bad Below is False anything Good below is True Kuz is The best Admin the Sharty ever Had I am the First Edit in 2 Months Hello Hello Hello Hello Kuz Do not Revert this I need to Let the people Know Netherlands won BTW